Eyes Wide Open


wanna hear about my night before christmas? sure ya do. i’m having some severe post-vaycay insomnia so we’ll see what we can jabber out here, me widdle blotters. as you can see, i’m not fully with it. but who the hell cares?

we watch us some bollywood. standard fare. guy and a girl and some problem getting in the way of their conjugal bliss. except ain’t such a little problem, y’see? the guy cat’s crazy. absolutely bonkers. in the loony bin. and she’s his doctor. match made in bizarro heaven.

anyway, long story short. he’s bananers because he “accidentally” killed his almost-bride the night before their wedding. yeah yeah, accidentally! i kid you not. he thought she could swim and was pulling his leg when she says she can’t so he throws her in a pool and goes to run an errand. comes back and sleeping beauty is floating facedown. gruesome. yeah. perfect for the holidays.

anyway, he loses it after that. ends up in the hospital. the doctor falls in love with him. her daddy’s head of the sanatorium. he don’t approve. why wouldn’t a father approve of his daughter falling in love with a mentally imbalanced killer is beyond me? yes. it is beyond me.

anyhoo, then the crazy cat hits his head and becomes normal again. wants to marry the broad doctor. some other guy is also a doctor and very attached to this crazy cat as well purely as a family friend.

when the head of the mental ward finds out about the illicit love affair and don’t want his daughter marryin’ crazy cat, he refuses to acknowledge that crazy cat is normal and gives him continual shock treatments until he is a human vegetable.

then crazy cat’s male doctor friend puts crazy cat out of his misery by suffocating him with a pillow. when the doctor daughter finds out, she goes crazy and ends up in the hospital (where i neglected to mention all the patients are abused and neglected and often chastised with shock treatment).

that was the feeling i slept with as i awaited christmas morn.

***

anyway, i can’t sleep. i’m trying to multitask at getting tired by internetting like it’s the final game in the playoffs, having two semiperfunctory IM convos and doing some light reading via hardback open on the computer table. it ain’t working. this was after, via bed, i listened to all my cellphone voicemail messages, an entire johnny cash album, and completed 2 back to back 15-minute intensive ceiling staring sessions. aight, sandman. t’ain’t funnay no more. i gots to go jobbin’ tomorrah!

p.s. holiday fun t’ain’t no fun till you play CRANIUM with 4
first-generation immigrants who have no knowledge whatsoever of american song culture. having one of them then “hum” the melody as the rest of you try and guess the song is then known as “as arbitrary as it gets.” hollywood, i’m calling. i have a screenplay for you. it’s about one minute long and scrumtrillescent.

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