Preparation Dubya

specific preparation for tonight’s state of the union address:

inhaler, in case of “no he dint!” gasping: check

friend versed in the heimlich, in case of choking: check

pepto bismol, in case of unspeakable nausea/indigestion: check

tylenol, in case of sudden endless headache onset: check

laughing gas, in case of weeping: check

birthday cake with ice cream, in case of hopelessness: check

noodles + plastic fork, to distract me from his beady eyes: check
*noodles take effort to eat*

salad + plastic spork, to alleviate me from his jaunty voice: check
*salad takes concentration to eat*

4-year old child, in case of condescending and preachy indignation: check

water, in case of figurative parching of my soul and/or literal parching of
my throat: check

picture of loved ones/puppies, in case of cynicism attack: check

straitjacket, in case of sudden rage blackout: check

2nd water, in case water breaks, ahem, first water breaks: check

masking tape + adhesive chair, in case of ADD: check

instant coffee, in case of narcolepsy: check

metal wall covers, in case i try and punch a wall: check

psychiatrist/counselor/emergency hotline numbers: check, check, and check

parents, in case of sudden urge to binge drink: check

a positive “everyone wins” attitude: someone took the last one. shit.

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