Riding the Stationary Bike of Life

oh mylanta. the gym. where to start and end with this petri dish of human social culture? today we will be discussing gym socializers. or rather, creatures who use the gym solely as a means of forming meaningful bonds with fellow patrons (or not so meaningful).

there is one gym socializer at my gym. he is middle-aged, not bad-looking (at one point, i may have made eyes at him when i was truly not fully awake), and more or less fit-looking. who wears his cool indoor visor and soccer pants (am i wrong or are visors not for blocking out sun anymore? oh, hangovers too? my bad!) and sits on the stationary bike peddling slightly faster than the bike is actually moving and he yells hello at just about every other person who walks by him and proceeds to small talk with them for anywhere from 5-20 minutes.

weapon of choice

apparently, this is the truly vital part of his workout. the extroverted lunges and chitchat squats, if you will. and, i wouldn’t believe this if i didn’t see it with my own eyes, when he was taking a bathroom break (also a vital part of his workout), he saw someone else he knew and as a means of social lubricant, HE GAVE THE DOUBLE FINGERGUNS to this guy on his way to the loo. as i was saying, i only understand these people as well as i understand the people on craigslist who post at 2am on a friday night looking for immediate nookie.


slangisms of the day:

A. “bad boy” — as in:
boss: “aparna, please have this report back to me by 2pm”
aparna: “oh you’ll have this bad boy back by 1:59pm, bioss!”

B. “poor form” — as in:
boss: “aparna, i can see your underwear”
aparna: “that is poor form that you pointed that out. i prefer that you simply enjoy the faux paus behind my back like normal duplicitous people”


there is active construction taking place literally right next to my cubicle. right next to my cubicle, there is a big plastic sheet and drilling noises happening behind it. also, one of the construction workers has a ringtone on his cell that sounds like fairies dancing at a summer wedding in the grass — very light and tinkly and empty of testosterone. so i keep hearing this *DRILL* tinkle! *DRILL* tinkle! *DRILL* tinkle! — you get the picture.

also. everytime i come to work. there’s about 40 new people here on any given day. and they all walk by me and my cubicle and look at me like i’m crazy. it’s enough to REALLY make someone crazy.

also. every day at work we have a morning meeting and one person conferences in by phone because he’s in LA. and i love that one of the people at the meeting is on the phone. because then when the head of the meeting tells a joke that falls flat and we all clear our throats uneasily wondering whether to laugh or not, the voice from the phone smoothly proclaims, “nice try” and we are all at equilibrium again.


finally. state of the u tonight, suckas. comedy, tragedy, drama, irony. something for the whole family.

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