and when the judge asks me for my defense, i’ll say, “but your honor, i was digging through the trashcans in the cafeteria during peak lunch hour for a good reason!”
and then the gavel will fall.
and no one will care about my misplaced granola bar. yes, the one i am eating right now. no, i don’t believe in concrete evidence. abstract evidence has that certain je ne se quois.
i’m wearing my new general jacket today. my mother bought me this very shi shi coat on markdown. the price before markdown is obscene. and it looks straight out of the USSR circa WWII. it even has shoulder flaps. so i wore it to work today accompanied by my hobo hat. and looked like a little tin soldier who went awol. i want to smartly salute everything and everyone.
these construction workers next to my cubicle are enough to drive one cuckoo for cocoa puffs. they constantly talk about how they’d rather be in the country right now, and not the city. and NOT in their indoor voices. ok, guys, i mean we all
have problems. mine is you all.
so i told jokes yesterday! amongst a crowd of assorted coffeeshop patrons! and one homeless man trying to keep warm (he didn’t laugh much…eeee….but he filled out the crowd with his assorted blankies and whatnot)! and people laughed! and there were only two girls (one was me) and the rest of the comics were menz! and i didn’t look at my notes! not even once! omg ttyl jk rofl lmao wtf whatwhat rightright haha lololololololol brb!!!!
k that’s enough.
but srsly, i was reallly really nervous. like before i performed, i was shitting at least once an hour the whole day. and drinking copious amounts of fluids. and had pit stains the size of alaska (a smidgeon bigger). i had faith in 2 jokes out of 5. and even those, i could envision something backfiring. i knew even if i did terribly people would support. my addiction to peoplepleasing. and yet. i was doing the freakyouttie chicken dance all day.
anyway, so i couldn’t even leave work. because i had three hours to kill before i had to be there. or be square. and so i did what any normal person would do who has had frequent bowels all day. i went to a burrito place for dinner and got something with a lot of beans. you think i’m kidding. but the miracle (el milagro, as it will be hereafter known) happened as i was entering the fine dining establishment. i was pulling open the door, he was pushing it to come out. i pulled first, he went in for the push, BAM FULL HAND ON LEFT BOOB contact. he pulled away looking shocked. i burst out laughing. he burst out laughing. even my boob tittered a little bit. and so. inspiration struck. and i decided to tell the story of being pushed in the
left knocker in public. due to my height problems.
then i went to a bar by myself and ordered a drink. and practiced my material. people sort of kind of were eyeing this girl who comes to happy hour by herself who is neither a reg’lar nor a middle aged man. and who contorts her face and recites jokes to herself looking perplexed and nauseous. but i was feeling a whole lot more confident and slurry, one drink later. after peeing out the niagara falls, i headed over to the coffeeshop. and that was that.