Affirmative Action

ok i really need to send a care package to my adopted soldier and pronto. she probably thinks i am corresponding with other soldiers. the turnaround is that slow. it’s like i’m a teenage boy in one of those cheesy sitcoms who’s on a date with two girls at the same time in the same restaurant. and the only thing separating them is one booth and a ficus plant. except, in my case, one girl is an adopted soldier and one is a serious case of ineptitude.

so i performed comedy at an open mike last night. the crowd had thinned out a bit by the time i was up. i was last. and the only girl. so i got AA-type support clap-ter (claps in place of laughs) for that one. you’re a minority, we salute you! i thought i performed pretty mediocre, but once my time was up, the host let me perform another joke.

and then, after i was done, everyone was a-clappity clapping all excited-like. and then, after i got off stage, more experienced comics were telling me “heeyy g’job girlie whirlie!” so that was a straight shot of ego to the head.

and then one guy. this is so ridiculous, i hafta share. one guy was like, “hey nice bits” and i was like “hey thanks.” then he said “by the way, all the male comedians have decided you’re as hot as shit so i suggest you add a bit about your boyfriend being a serial killer.” i blinked once. and twice. and then said “uh yeah thanks,” and he nodded somberly and moved on.

wow. i guess if you’re not a male, foul-mouthed, or accustomed to using the word ‘pussy’ a lot, you might get some positive press. again. the minority card. i’ll take what i can get.

2 thoughts on “Affirmative Action

  1. Ron says:

    you’ve gotta be careful with that balance. ineptitude is actually smarter than people think and it tends to get jealous quite easily. but if there’s one thing that i’ve learned from a.c. slater or corey mathews it’s that all you need is a dorky sidekick to get you out of any conflict that might arise.so you do actually perform comedy. i knew you were cheating — no one can actually be that amusing without being a pro. you need to let me see a routine of yours, i may not be a comedian but i’ve spent years as an audience member and i’m well qualified to take on those responsibilities.

  2. Aparna says:

    point taken. i’m not a pro though. i’m a baby baby baby baby pre-amateur. so maybe when my mad skillz are perfected, i will admit you to the unlucky coven that is my audience. there is an opening for one dorky sidekick though. interested?

Leave a Reply