A Day In the Life of Foul and Feathered Germs

Disclaimer: I wrote this update in the throes of impending fever. I do not hold myself responsible for anything written. Moreso than usual. It’s almost as if I am merely a channel for the writing voice of the virus. Enjoy.

as i am feeling rather diseased and am apt to think it’s bird flu at this point as i saw a duck this morning, i must write further of my travails. no, i had no contact with said duck in question but it was the first day in many that i’ve seen a duck. and at the end of this particular anti-fortuitous day, i feel like shit. and i page through the newspaper like an educated trollop should, and get several hits for bird flu. i can put two and two together. don’t scoff at me. i might have to projectile-yarf on you.

in any case, i shall probably be vomiting or fainting before this entry is completed, so if i end abruptly, please pardon in advance.

onward with the story of patheticism and self-pity. it was saturday when this day started. therefore, please get in a saturday state of mind. a long-weekend-saturday state of mind. thank you.

the parents and i were going to new york city. to visit my sister. whom none of us had seen for many moons. a visit was in order.

my mother drove us there. est. length of trip: 4.5 hours. i was in charge of entertainment for the trip up. mater only let me play soft-rock on the radio. my mother: “i only know ten songs total. i only listen to the radio to possibly hear one of the ten songs. all other songs are irrelevant. therefore, all of your radio stations are irrelevant.” case closed. thanks for playing.

i also entertained my mother by doing a crossword and asking her for help with the impossible clues, and eating snacks and then waiting for her to yell at me for not offering her any. my father slept in the backseat and complained about being cold. whenever he did this, i would turn up the heat. my mother would then scream about hot flashes, and turn off the heat. this went on for about 4 hours.

then we stopped at an indian grocery store in new jersey to pick up some vital commodities like instant noodles (indian flavored, don’t make that face!) and microwave indian food (we’re lazy. don’t be surprised!). we also found some pizza made with indian cheese, which we snatched up as it fits under the category of readymade food that will entice and delight us like a dancing girl. i had several near-death experiences with various south asians pushing grocery carts at reckless and endangering speed. granted, we are an overpopulated demographic so they probably figured a few casualties were no biggie. also. if someone was in between you, your grocery cart, and a box full of instant noodles, do the math. you are the weakest obstacle. goodbye.

then we met up with one of my bajillion cousins for lunch. at a buffet. the buffet was indian vegetarian food. and the restaurant was run by hispanics. they all had flawless english, hindi, and spanish pronunciation. it was a magnificent example of new jersey meets globalization. we ate to our heart’s content. the waitress was so hospitable that when we asked for something, she would bring 5 of it to the table. then we would stuff ourselves silly and request something else. the food coma that followed the meal has erased most of the details of what exactly i ate, but a severe and recurring bread hallucination is a key clue.

after we arrived in new york city proper, we called my sister and waited in the car for a response as we were meeting her near her workplace in midtown. we, in true classy fashion, did not have enough money for the parking meter, so we had to sit in the car and guard it and peer at all the passersby. all of whom shared the trait of looking extremely cold. this discouraged us severely from trying to acquire money for the parking meter. however, in a fit of testosterone, the pater in the family ventured out into the great apple beyond to achieve making change for a dollar.

we then met my sister, who, unfortunately, was infected with some sort of virus, for coffee. i am convinced her virus somehow communicated with my duck virus and activated it. as the virus-on-virus communication ensued, so did our own small talk. we then adjourned due to the cold and my sister’s virus and the late hour.

we began the journey homeward bound. this time, to everyone’s horror, i drove the car. despite having seemingly inoculated my narcolepsy with coffee, as soon as i began driving, i began hallucinating and nodding off. i mainly had visions of the car crashing into other cars and/or the guardrail at speeds in excess of 75mph. the fear from these shortlived (literally) images temporarily alerted me back to consciousness until the next hallucination.

we had to stop for a second round of coffee, mine with three shots of espresso, which tasted like poison. after this coffee wore off, and both my parents were sound asleep, and i was still somewhere in the wilds of jersey, still 3 hours away, drastic measures were needed. i had to change the radio approximately every 2 minutes while singing along and slapping my leg and making facial contortions. shortly thereafter, i poured an entire water bottle over my head, which instead of washing my face, which was the desired effect, merely made me feel like i had wet myself, as all the water trickled straight to the crotch part of my jeans. awesome.

we arrived, barely in one piece, home. i peed out the Nile river. and immediately started feeling the effects of the duck fever. I got dizzy. sat down. got up. got dizzy again. sat down. got up. got dizzy. et cetera. yada yada. then i felt like my entire buffet lunch was lingering in my esophagus like a malevolent cloud. i solved this quite irrationally. i ate a cookie. then when i was fairly convinced that the day was over, i had the disgusting notion to update and print out my resume (it must have been the fever).

in doing so, i checked my email. i had received an email inviting me to hang out from one of my failed online dating ventures. as i am usually hesitant to give it to people straight, i considered demurely asking for a raincheck. but the duck virus had other plans in store. and prompted me to write an email saying more or less “no way jose are we going out again.” i immediately received a response along the lines of “well go to hell right back.” then, because the duck virus is evil and bossy, i proceeded to have a Google Talk conversation (damn you, gmail) with said failed date-man about why it wasn’t going to work out. thus proceeded one of the most stupid and pointless conversations I’ve ever had:

welcome to awkwardville


Aparna: you just didn’t have a lot to say and seemed rather distant the whole time…granted it was a first meeting but still, i felt somewhat awkward.
BoringMan: i’m naturally quiet
Aparna: that’s cool.
BoringMan: also…i usually default to disinterest in most conversations

{what a keeper!}

BoringMan: argh…I mean we have a lot in common, I think. Generally, when I meet people I’m naturally defensive, but I think you’re cool, so I think getting over the defensive thing with you would be pretty easy?

{what am i…your duck-inflamed guinea pig?!}

Aparna: yeah, i think you’re a nice guy but…i just don’t know if we really do have that much in common.
BoringMan: I bet a couple of bucks we do!

{don’t raise the stakes so high…your confidence overwhelms me}

BoringMan: so you’re initial impression of me is of a robot? bummer! dude…you’re probably the most critical woman I’ve met on a whatever [basis] before, seriously…but I kinda like it.

{SYSTEM SHUTDOWN: ERROR. even when i’m candid, i can’t win.}

and ewww, the sad result is, i still have this one on my hands. booooo. where is my vomit reflex when i need it? i’m going to bed.

3 thoughts on “A Day In the Life of Foul and Feathered Germs

  1. Ron says:

    i leave for one weekend and you go postal on the blogs? sensational.i went up to new york city on friday to visit my friend and his family this weekend and it was really cool (details later..). i’m not quite home yet but i just wanted to drop you a “hi” before i get back to catch up on whatever is going on with you!

  2. Ron says:

    oh K! so apparently you had a new york experience yourself (i acutally hadn’t read your post until just now). unless their first names are darkwing, donald, huey, duey, or leuy (sp.?) mallards are not your friend. just remember that.also for the love of god stay away from jersey. i understand just passing through because that is a necessary evil. but there is no reasonable excuse to stop within the state limits of jersey (unless you wanted to build a factory or start a garbage pick-up service). the garden state…talk about oxymorons.

  3. Aparna says:

    yes, new jersey unfortunately harbors a place called “little india” that all indian people must stop in whenever passing through that way. it is beyond my power. thanks for dropping a hi. you are my most vocal fan. and i believe it’s spelled LOUIE.

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