Table for One

so. i seem to have no words today. not so much in the wordless sense but more in the, i know how i feel but it’s just going to come out like one giant humongo cliche turd so why bother? but questions like ‘why bother?’ point immediately to those depression ads in the newspaper. you know the ones. have you experienced the following symptoms? occasionally sad? occasionally lonely? experienced at least one moodswing in your life? YOU’RE PROBABLY DEPRESSED!!! holy hell, get thyself to a doctorus maximus on the quick!

i have this caffeine withdrawal/flu/depression headache. who can tell what comes from what anymore? i’ve had a small number of human interactions today but i don’t think i really did my fair share in any of them. and yet, at every point, i was alone today, i felt extremely bereft of company. and then when fate rewarded me with company, i just accepted it zombie-ly, doing nothing to cause the other person to want to sustain my companionship. a one musketeer kind of day. all for me, and me for all.

one other point of reference for absolutely nothing i have touched on thus far is today i was having lunch at a restaurant with a e-penpal and our waitress was a chronic interrupter and thought-finisher. you asked her for one thing. she suggested something else. you took a moment to think. she inserted herself directly in your thoughts. you opened your mouth. she was already wrapping up the verbal exchange. come to think of it, she was probably the most acceptable human interaction i’ve had today. she was doing 70% of the work. and since i was operating at maximum 25% effort output today, she caught the slack nicely. to think i was mildly annoyed at the time.

in conclusion, i was in no condition to deal with other people today. however, all i was craving was other people. one positive product of the whole situation was i baked cookies for my soldier. and managed to put together a care package. i consider this a breakthrough.

oh and weird robot guy said the following: Hey, I’m going to go ahead and apologise for that chat thingy. That was kinda out of character for me. I’ll just say that I was upset and had been to a party earlier in the night.

I’m a knucklehead. Just so you know, I’m not angry or anything.

translation: i was belligerent. having an opinion for me is like acting out.

2 thoughts on “Table for One

  1. Ron says:

    don’t forget these key symptons:You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible [like putting together a Rubik’s cube].You find it difficult to think clearly [after reading anything by William Faulkner].You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy [like sucking your thumb and crawling].You feel that life is unfair [especially when playing where’s waldo].You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person [introspection isn’t healthy!].You’ve passed through the state of New Jersey within the past 3 months.*Sigh*.

  2. Aparna says:

    oh man. those are all key, KEY points. introspection is indeed a sin in many cultures. perhaps, i need a new MO. one order of xanax infused blueberry herbal gingko tea to go!!!

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