Kodak Moments of a Dubious Nature

inspired by the first half of the women’s figure skating finals in the olympics, i took up my subway no-hands sport again this morning. clenching of both fists and buttcheeks was involved. but i triumphed. i stuck out the whole ride with a runny nose, a newspaper, and no hands holding or back leaning against any type of support mechanism. at one point, completely randomly, the subway operator announced, “ladies and gentlemen, if there is an emergency, please stay calm.” that sounded foreboding if nothing else. but i tried to focus on all my hard work and just being in the moment. and stick to simply perservering, and i did it. at times, i simply became one with the train. we moved together. yes, i know that sounds sexual, but it wasn’t. it was beyond human experience. there are no words i can use to describe it. as i walked out onto the platform to silent applause, i had my olympic moment.

my competitive arena

in my other sport, scent-tracking, i didn’t do as well. you see, i am addicted to cologne. i smelled some i liked, and i followed this poor gentleman out of my way out of the subway station. i trailed in his shadow for a solid block and a half before i conceded defeat. one victory is more than enough for one day.

oh the allure!

so the construction at work has gotten out of hand. since they were working right next to our cubicles, we all had to know that the end was near. and it was. it came and went yesterday evening. we’ve been moved to a small white little room with no windows. four computers in a square cluster similar to times past. paint fumes and construction workers abound in this new foreign ecosystem. they all stare at us like we’re anthropologists come to study their tribe. as an unpaid intern, i can tolerate these working conditions. my paid counterparts are not so immune.

in the news…

“Show Dog Searchers Go Psychic” (Newsday)

“Clerk says no, would-be robber says thanks” (Arizona Central)

“The organ used for balance indicated that the ferocious killer had excellent equilibrium.” (Discovery Channel)

4 thoughts on “Kodak Moments of a Dubious Nature

  1. Ron says:

    i knew those commercials were right! so all i have to do is use the Axe Body Speay all over myself (and also leave a path leading to me) and you will just faint as you hover in mid-air drifting towards my waiting arm? that’s easy.speaking of easy instead of making people go through all the inconvenience of buying a mask, procuring a getaway car and scouting out the “mark” — businesse should just post signs saying when they actually are AVAILABLE to be robbed…then situations like the one in that article wouldn’t happen!btw you need to slow down…any more witty posts and i might have to devise clever and subtle ways to find out if you ever have an evening free in your schedule <-- like that!

  2. Ron says:

    yea, that is kinda weak…let’s pretend i just saw you at the bar and layed down one of my slickest lines (like “hey baby, can i buy you a fish sandwich?”)…

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