A Visit with the Big G


wow. this singles paper is having a columnist competition. i think my best submission will be a spazzout but i will submit it anyway!

for instance, i can write about thigs like this…

i had an appointment with my favorite doctor today. the big G. the g-spot. you know what i’m talking about. speculum. duck clamps. the works. oh what an experience at the (va)Gina-cologist.

this is what i would have changed about my appointment:
— not have the big G be against premarital sex in all ways, shapes, and forms
— not have the hot drug rep come in while i was waiting for my morning appointment sans makeup, hair hygiene, or general kemptness
— not have the big G make small talk while she squeezed my breasts

this is what i love about the big G:
— i don’t need to prepare for it in any way. i don’t need to stay off alcohol, fast, wash my contacts and wear my glasses, or brush my teeth before i go. i can just show up. like a hobo* off the street. with a boiled cabbage in my mouth.

*yes, hobos wear contacts

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