Something to Snack On

things at my household are getting a little out of control.

1) my dad just started a new job even though he’s close to 60. it’s way more stressful than his old job. more high-tech, farther away, longer hours, less perks, etc. in other words, he’s in it for the love of the game. the game being putting people to sleep before surgery. the other week he worked 30 hours straight with no breaks.

trust me. this is a lot of work. or there wouldn’t be an entire specialty in medicine dedicated to it. this is, despite the fact, that when i was little, i just thought he put people to sleep, then went and watched tv in the coffee room for most of his workday and then woke them up after the surgery, then back for more tv.

so he’s been telling us (the womenz at home) about how he makes it through the day. the simple answer: cookies. he says they make THE BEST COOKIES ever in the hospital cafeteria. as soon as the lunch bell rings (this sounds a lot like elementary school, you’re right) he runs to the cafeteria (risking the wrath of many a hall monitor) and grabs two cookies (they have all kinds: sugar, nuts, chocolate chip, white chocolate macadamia) because they go fast, wraps them up carefully in a napkin and puts them in his pocket.

then when he gets his afternoon coffee break, he happily sits down and eats his cookies slowfully and sinfully. my mother smirked at this part because she nags him to no end to cut back on his sweets. but he guiltlessly declared he’s on a cookie binge, and no one is there to stop him or nag him. and he was so joyous about it. this is how we’re going to be in 40 years. endlessly excited about going to work for cookies.

1a) this reminded my mother of the fact that when i was little and when i did not talk (i had a period of silence when smaller), everytime i came home from preschool, she would ask me how my day was and i would just describe one thing. the snacks we had at school that day. that was the be-all and end-all of my day.

nothing else mattered. and since i still didn’t know how to talk properly, as i didn’t do so often, it would all come out in one big lump of words such as this “wegotorangejuiceandcrackersandthecrackerswereaminals.” she said my voice was like one of those people who have voiceboxes and it sounded inhuman and rough and lacking any inflection whatever. in conclusion, she said she never knew what the heck i was talking about. but i was her child. so she humored me.

2) my mother and i are being punished for our wicked wicked ways. i have always hated people coughing and sneezing. and she has always hated people burping and passing gas. well, the tables have turned, my friends, the tables have turned. now she has acid reflux and i have some permanent office-environment-related dry throat. it’s a sad but karmic day.

3) my parents are cleaning the house today. and i told them it would interfere with my work. that’s right. i’ve become the valuable scientist in my house doing potentially award-winning experiments while they piddle around with their ridiculous medical degrees and vacuum up all my inspiration and zest for reaching new frontiers. they asked me if i could please confine myself to the study so they could dust and window-wash appropriately. so i did what any kid would do. i threw a hissy fit. i listed all my important tasks. i stomped my feet. i made crinkly lays faces. i balled my fists and practically imploded my face. i made demands, and i stood by them. and they caved. they caved. so i better do something with myself.

my dad, this morning: “what is blog?”

3 thoughts on “Something to Snack On

  1. Ron says:

    did you know that Albert Einstein said that he needed 10 hours of sleep a night? yeah…and he’s a smart guy. also mad crazy good scientists are beginning to agree with him now….i’m sorry it’s 2:30 am and for the last half hour i’ve been trying to see what’s on the tele and ending up watching infomercials about the tempur-pedic mattress…it’s apparantly the best thing since homemade sliced raisin bread. anyway here we go…1) yea, umm, my mom’s the same way…she’s a nurse and she worked for the American Red Cross for the past 12 years and they had this one nurse who would bake cookies for everyone on fridays so that would be the goal: get through the week and get rewarded with chocolate chip cookies and brownies too. also she sometimes worried me because she claimed she was a vampire (she “drew blood” from people donating for quite a while) and that when i was 17 and 110 lbs she would drain all my blood. well, she got me hooked to saving up to 3 lives for every pint…in fact my 56 days are up on wednesday so i’ll be donation then…1a) i had a period of time where all i spoke was pig latin…that was back when pig latin was hot stuff and very much in use by 80% of the population. i was soo cool and when i went home everyone sucked. my mom said “it’s a phase” and i said “ig-pay atin-lay ill-way ast-lay orever-fay!”2) talk about karma…3 times in my life i’ve found someone’s keys on the floor at the end of a concert and turned them in at the door and the other door i lose my keys at a concert and they were turned in at the front door…praise allah3) my parents always try to get me to wash the dishes and i always always make sure to pass it off on my little sister. i always say something like “oh yeah, betty said she would take care of it” or “right right, betty owes me money so instead of paying me she is taking care of all chores” or “yea, so i’m just not doing it…the little gremlin will do it”

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