One Day I’ll Wake Up and Everything Will Be Exactly the Same

heyyyyyyy kiddddds…..
it’s TMI time!!!

things i want:

1. sex
2. to not be hungry
3. attention
4. entertainment
5. a job


1. vibrator, or if i’m extra lucky, a hookup-commitment-phobic asshole with an std
2. i will go home and eat things that do not make me happy and are cold because the microwave is getting on my last nerve. then in anger i will eat half a box of chocolate raisins. and feel better. but society will tell me to feel worse. i will ignore that twotiming bitch.
3. my cellphone will not ring. i have nothing to say anyway. let’s keep moving.
4. i want someone to do a dance interspersed with jokes. i want this someone to preferably be an overly attractive man or someone who hates men. this someone will turn out to be a gray box with many faces and nothing but experiences! and life! this will harmonize PERFECTLY with my raisins.
5. nope. still don’t have this one. but lightning struck next to me today. my co-intern got one RIGHT HERE AT THIS VERY WORKPLACE. and i’m cool with someone else’s success. i’m not cool however with people coming in continually to congratulate him and THEN looking at me and asking me, “hey why are you still here?” except they meant it nicely as in “you’re not paid like the rest of us. why don’t you get on home, little one.” wow. that’s so nice. goes down positively saccharine smooth with a nice arsenic kick at the end.

in some awesome news, i have rediscovered the butthole surfers.
specifically the first 30 seconds of this gem.
wtf, you might say. the best thing ever, i might add.
and i can’t stop listening to matisyahu.

3 thoughts on “One Day I’ll Wake Up and Everything Will Be Exactly the Same

  1. Ron says:

    uber reality:1. get a load of this dame! you’re hornier than the devil playing several trumpets in a field full of tricerotops [i think i went a little far with that one]2. yea, so society would prefer it if you’d refrain from the namecalling [it’s actually a twotiming hussy if we’re being P.C.]. also ironically you should enter a competitive eating contest if you don’t want to be hungry…or just watch one.3. ah the petulant youth of today [what’s the matter with these kids today? kids!]…it’s always me me me! instead of trying to have others look at you try looking at yourself [through some sort of cool soul-reflecting mirror] and i’ve asked the Earth to kindly recognize who it’s true dancing partner is [Aparna] and that if it continues it’s affair with the Sun lawyers will be involved and you’ll get half of everything. [speaking of attention i could use some of that from your direction]4. silly rabbit, YOU are entertaining! also deliciously fruit shaped candy cereal is for kids…5. look on the bright side…lighting always strikes twice in the same place so just move over a smidge and you’ll bag it! also remember that people don’t recognize true artistic talent right away…[ black hole sun won’t you come and wash away the rain ]

  2. Aparna says:

    oh man oh man.ron — i will never be able to match your essays with my own. 1. yes2. no, i ate dinner3. yes, i know4. yes5. yes, maybehaha. don’t worry. i’ll ring you up. bringabrahma — thanks! a coma, you say? oh dear! i hope you are well-revived.

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