Homewrecker Is a Fulltime Job

things you do when you live with your parents:

i can’t stop half-eating things. i just half-ate four things in the fridge: a hodgepodge salad that had beets in it, some old couscous, a sandwich, and a nectarine. i threw 3 of these things in the trash after partially ravishing them. and put one back in the fridge (the sandwich with gnawing on its edges but i tore it apart. no incisors were involved). then i realized the number one sin if your parents are immigrants from india. throwing out perfectly good food. if it ain’t visually rotting in front of your eyes, you better be about to consume it, consuming it, or packing it away in a little ziploc or tupper for later.

by the way, side note, old ketchup tastes like medicine.

and we’re back. so yeah i had to recalibrate the kitchen trash can via tetrislike maneuvers to cover up all the evidence. but then i realized some was still showing. so then i had to do all the dishes in the sink so that the empty sink would distract my parents from excessive scrutiny of the wastebin, and cause them to believe i had just consumed an exorbitant amount of food. if all else fails, they are watching some mad-depressing art film tonight, and their emotions will be too on edge to notice mundane things.

in any case, i’m so glad i won’t be home when they get home tonight. i’m skipping out to spend money i don’t have.

in other news:

i am the worst soldier pseudomama ever. my soldier has to check up on me, plus i can’t find her address anywhere so i have to reask her for it. i am trifling, and she probably thinks i’m “seeing” other soldiers, which i ain’t baby, i promise.

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