yo, my little pecans. i fergot. this weekend. i fergot to share the weekend with my little truffles. you are all little truffles, gooey centers and all. i don’t know what that means. it sounded good in my head.
ok. actually nothing happened this weekend. i did go to this large st. patrick’s day preparty street festival/fratfest more or less on saturday to meet people. biggest mistake ever. there were scruffy white boys as far as an eye could see. which was nice. but one couldn’t make eye contact with any of them as most of them were seeing double or ten-feet-tall (that is probably 5’10” and above in normal people perspective).
i hate these frikking hats and glasses. they make them for every occasion.
and so much upper thigh action exposed on the womenz side that one could truly get a good grope on (i don’t condone illicit groping, but that shit was occurring). beer everywhere on the street, on people’s brows, on people’s lips, sweating out of their green accoutrements, and on their barely functioning cellphones. pieces of chicken, styrofoam takeaway containers of mexican food littered everywhere. shit was stank.
i was mainly on a quest to find a british accent. i did not find it. so i was outraged for most of the time i was there. i was stepped on several times. and i don’t even get to tell a “look at me! i was so drunk!” story because i was stonecold sober.
finally, i had to do what any resourceful creative person in my circumstances would do. i followed around a large-breasted barbie-like woman for awhile to see what it would be like to be “in her shoes” (or platform pumps, as the case may be). man. was that a mind trip. yesh. yesh it was. people were hooting and hollering. looking straight down her cleavage yelling HOOPAH! and DAyaaaam GINA! and all kinds of ridiculous noxiousness. now, i’d like to say i’m openminded but none of these people were even slightly original. poor girl’s boobs might just shrink from all the hacky cliches they have to hear time and again.
is this guy single? i really dig his charms. hey, is this thing on?
anyhoo, then i bumped into my drunkass friend and his friend (yay! time for a drunk story! look at me! i’m so original!) and we went and got sushi and one of those tropical flaming DRINKS for TWO. and he ended up slurping most of it through his straw and then shooting it into my and his friend’s faces. yo. i had to peace out after that shit. he did pick me up twice though. and several guys and one girl fell on me during the day. so posterity will hear the story as such:
“one year, i went to this saint patrick’s day street party, and i got picked up at least twice. and guys and girls were falling all over me. so yeah, i definitely had ‘it’ back then. best recognize, my progeny.”