Surreality Bites, but it’s more of a Love Nip

this is really long. OH WELL. don’t read the whole thing at once. and don’t say i didn’t warn you.


ok first things first. the misanthropic writer from my old job who i idolized along with my fellow intern chris offered me a job today. wait. don’t congratulate me. he offered me a temporary job for 3 weeks. and he wouldn’t tell me what it was. i think it has to do with march madness, and i think it’s so he can go to atlantic city. here’s how it went down. if only all grownups could be this interesting. srsly, i hope to someday marry someone JUST LIKE THE MISANTHROPIC writer.

“On 3/14/06, misanthropic writer wrote:

the most stressful work i do all year is organizing and managing this [ncaa march madness] pool.

Do you know anyone who is looking for part time work for the next three
weeks ?

On 3/14/06, Aparna wrote:
Yes, I am.

On Mar 14, 2006, at 3:51 PM, Aparna wrote:

i’m serious! please hire me. i have good credentials.

On 3/14/06, misanthropic writer wrote:

Will I have to lock up the peach schnappes?

On 3/14/06, Aparna wrote:

No I always bring my own. Enough to share for the whole class.

On 3/14/06, misanthropic writer wrote:

okay. you’re it then. good luck.

I’ll be at the showboat in atlantic city if you have a question.

But I know you can handle things, what with all those schnappy
credentials.

On 3/14/06, Aparna wrote:

wait. what is the job? what am i doing? am i being you for 3 weeks?

On 3/14/06, misanthropic writer wrote:

Interesting idea for a movie.

someone be’s me for three weeks and then they try to return to their own life but they they become stuck on the person they had been.

They fight to regain their lost self, wondering where you look for a lost self, lost and found boxes of the soul, but as time passes the old self becomes more and more remote, smaller and smaller played by rick morales

the rest you have to write in your ipod.

On 3/14/06, Aparna wrote:

[Mr. Writer], I would love to be you. But I lack several credentials. I think I am your number one fan (don’t let that chris tell you otherwise). Ok, fine, Chris and I are collectively your number one fan. But [Mr. Writer], seriously, old buddy old pal, if you have any work for me, I would be happy to type it up in anybody’s Ipod. Anybody in the entire universe. It would be of geogasmic *this is a word he used in a previous email* proportions.

The quality of my work, that is.

Please consider.

~Aparna

On 3/14/06, misanthropic writer wrote:

I think we should discuss this under the influence of schnappes.

(fin)

gmail is pooping on my brain. stop it, gmail. i have important things to cut and paste.

someone put a sign under the women’s restroom that reads “LACTATION STATION.” muahahahahahahaahhhh. it looks like it was made with a labelmaker. always striving to new heights here at journalism central.

i am going to call this boy tonight. and i already know how it’s going to end but i have to EXORCISE THE DEMONS of this hookup. i will reserve half an hour for crying from 11-11:30pm. i read this book on random hookups yesterday because i have to write my first singles article piece on hookups (a three-part series, holy guacamole), and it empowered me as a walking vagina. it makes all boys seem like cheez whiz brains and all girls seem like drunken queen diva hos. ah well. such is zee modern life.

oh and i’m performing comedy again this week. and this week, i’m TOTALLY slated to go after all the really-good people again. and the guy right before me does this whole i-am-a-PIMP act. his freaking stage name is larry poon. if you don’t believe me, go to http://www.larrypoon.com. yup. i have to follow THAT guy. i mean, huzzah and kudos to him for creating a stage character that’s a ridiculous pimpologist. but geez louise mylanta jones.

larry poon himself

oh speaking of all things graphic and lewd….check out this LAFFY taffy remix featuring busta rhymes.

look at these lyrics. straight porno. this is cour-tasty of our favorite friend, BUSTA RHYMES-nasty.

“Shawty you can get up in my whip and you can bring a couple of ya friends
Make sure their waist small with a super bubble big ol ass
Where they need a lil help just to get in my bed
Where they can spread it wide open and suck on my Lemonhead
Now spread that ass a lil bit more let me get up in the coochie hole.”

i don’t know what’s better and what’s worse. candy analogies v. straight literal. discuss.

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