Straight, No Chaser

trying to seek counseling through a male friend, take 1:

player 1: me, sitting at my home computer applying to jobs
player 2: male friend, sitting at his home computer browsing through female friendster profiles

me: so i’ve been feeling a bit down lately.
him: what a hot piece of ass!
me: and i think it’s because…blargh blargh ahem oh gee blargh
him: holy shit. her abdomen. holllly shit. fucccccck.
me: and also, i don’t know, just *sigh*
him: fuck me. this girl’s sister is just OH MY GEEZ. ohhhh yeahhhhh. got those perky little breasts and those tan lines right there…shiiiiiit….
me: and i don’t know, i just feel sort of…(trails off)
him: mm mm mm. what i wouldn’t do to her if i had her.
me: i just feel so unappreciated.
him: GODDAMN, that’s a HOT PIECE OF ASS. blonde too.
me: thanks for listening.

trying to seek counseling through a male friend, take 2:

player 1: me, sitting at home computer working on freelance article
player 2: male friend, sitting at work half-working half-counseling (*ahem*)

me: so i’ve been feeling a bit down lately.
him: I AM SO SURPRISED. let’s YELL IT FROM THE STREETS. WOW LET’s PHONE THIS IN TO THE AMAZEMENT DEPARTMENT AT THE DISCOVERY CORPORATION OF TRASH-MERICA.
me: and i think it’s because…blargh blargh ahem oh gee blargh
him: YA THINK?! I THINK YA LIKE IT. I THINK you’re GODDAMN pleased as punch that this happened. OTHERWISE, why would you be making such a hoohaw about it?
me: and also, i don’t know, just *sigh*
him: you’re making a spectacle of yourself. and a newborn could have predicted the backlash on this one. a LITTLE COOTCHIE COO PINKYFACED placenta juiced pipsqueak.
me: and i don’t know, i just feel sort of…(trails off)
him: it’s amazing how when a girl wants something, she’ll get it, and then cover it up with insults and outrage.
me: i just feel so unappreciated.
him: he was exactly with the utmost, even supernatural or divine precision, what you wanted. he has the most successful approach in modern human history or at least in recent memory.
me: thanks for listening.

tough love wins over chauvinism.
tune in next time to “i’m saying this for your own good. you’ll thank me later.”

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