ways to prepare for a job interview/copyediting test (t-2 hours):

– read one of mummy’s grammar books that she bought to MASTER english back in the day. yes, it was written in the 70s. no i don’t care. shut up. all the sample sentences involve ms. dickerson baking cookies for her white bread boys. oh, and the cookies are laced with LSD.

– eat a small tub of frosting. without reason, i feel smarter and lumpier at the same time.

– organize my date planner. i am SO busy, i don’t have time for a job.

– go to the orthodontist. and get my cheek stroked by a 60-year old man who loves sailing, as evidenced by the many yacht models strewn about his office and the tiny boats on his pants. don’t laugh. i will figuratively murder you all.

– read a KID’s guide to CONGRESS on the internet complete with sound effects and amazing animations. now that you mention it, i think i will write to my senator. now’s as good a time as any, right?

– lick my lips and seriously consider applying chapstick. for around and about 15 minutes. i also considered forming a PAC about the issue, but the lobbyists take long lunches on thursdays. i have no idea what ZEE HELL i am talking about.

– wonder if the misanthropic writer will show up for our “date” tonight.

– look at my watch, shake my head, and realize i have inevitably screwed myself over again.

yelp.