and sometimes i feel stupid
incidentally, despite doing some things that definitely would go under the stupid category in the recent past, i have felt confident about them. i have felt confident about my right to act conventionally unattractive and ridiculous.
and other things that should make me feel confident like job interviews make me feel stupid. i had a job interview yesterday, and every answer that came out of my mouth, even when it kind of sounded good, made me feel incredibly stupid.
this morning on the way to work, it was particularly manic. i felt confident a block before the coffeeshop. i smiled at a stranger openly. and then when i got to the coffeeshop, i felt stupid. i felt confident when ordering my coffee. i felt stupid when paying for my coffee. i felt confident when picking up my coffee. i felt stupid once i got to work. i really threw myself a curveball. my posture would straighten, slump, straighten, slump. my outward expression would smile, grimace, smile, grimace, smile, grimace.
it was really out of control. i felt confident. i started acting out a little and suddenly i was a cowering ball of fluff.
you know what i need right? a flask. i love the way hardened detectives on television swig their flasks when they’re about to confront hardship and uncertainty in their lives.
coworker reading some blog post comment: “it’s not like if someone gives you money, you call them dad.”
me: “i do!”
coworker: “oh man, that’s bad.”
ain’t nothing like the smell of ramen in the morning…