Cheap Solutions for Your Everyday Problems

my house is full of self-help books. my mother loves them. if i am ever feeling passive-aggressive, wonder why as a women i can’t read maps as well as men or if i’m simply wondering how to make friends and influence people (wouldn’t this be so much better if it were “how to influence friends and make people?”), well, i don’t have to go far for a solution.

anyway, a common theme i’ve noticed with these books. they are always targeted towards people who have a lot or are generally well-employed, happily married and financially secure but feel empty inside or something. it just makes me confused. i mean, take the CHICKEN SOUP series. you’re familiar, i’m sure. CHICKEN SOUP for the teenage soul. CHICKEN SOUP for the reg’lar ole soul parts 1-nauseous infinity. CHICKEN SOUP for the golfer’s soul. are these really the demographics that are most in need of chicken soup for their souls?

GAhhhhhhhhhhhhh…does this have your very first tampon included in it/napkin to take care of your first wet dream?

on that note, i am going to start a series called RAMEN.

RAMEN to go for the homeless soul.
RAMEN for two or more for the multiple personality disordered soul.
RAMEN in a pipe or intravenously for the junkie soul.
RAMEN that won’t take anything off your paycheck for the deadbeat soul.
RAMEN that will last longer than your fame did for the one-hit wonder soul.
RAMEN you heathen for the atheist soul. – eheheheheh
RAMEN of earthly temptation for the extreme fundamentalist soul.
RAMEN is your motivation for the struggling actor soul.
RAMEN that cannot be cashed in for chips for the gamblin’ soul.
RAMEN make you go happysadhappysadhappyhappysadsad for the bipolar soul.
figurative RAMEN for the overeating soul.
extra hearty RAMEN supplemented with a slab of meat for the anorexic soul.
RAMEN with no kissing for the streetwalkin’ soul.
RAMEN one noodle at a time for the OCD soul.
RAMEN with rage included for the steroidal soul.
RAMEN (no i didn’t say RUM, man) for the alcoholic soul.
RAMEN you don’t have to thank me for the passive-aggressive soul.
RAMEN off the blackmarket for the bootlegger’s soul.
crotchless RAMEN for the sexually deviant soul.

anyway. you get the point. i’m not sure how much content i could get in each book. but i’m aiming for maybe pamphlets instead.

on another note, of little to no consequence to most people, i have learned something about myself within the past two days. this is that if i take myself too seriously in relation to other people, i inevitably end up throwing things at myself instead of them. namely a bucket of shit generated by angry monkeys in my brain. they are just waiting. just waiting to throw it at me. so in order to stay emotionally hygienic, i must outwit the monkeys. and never take myself too seriously. i must outmonkey the monkeys.

pointless but it needed to be said.

5 thoughts on “Cheap Solutions for Your Everyday Problems

  1. C says:

    my mom is obsessed with self-help books too. a few titles in our home “The Five Love Languages” and “How to Deal with People You Can’t Stand”…I hope she doesn’t mean my dad! moommmeeeeeeee…..

Leave a Reply