we’re on a race to understand each other!
it’s so bittersweetly sad when people finally play their true selves convincingly enough to contort into something foreign to your imagination. finally distinct from the people you want them to be in your head. once upon a time, i went on exactly 2 dates with a bouncer. as with several experiences in my life, i got the jekyll/hyde treatment.
our first date he suggested i fit the prototype of a girl he would marry. i’m gullible but i’m also hopeful. and what was an impossibility was anything but in the asylum of my fantasyworld. this first date also involved taking a lot of shots of peach schnapps. i was completely and utterly smitten with this giant teddy bear who asked me to keep the big words to a minimum and the alcohol consumption steady.
the 2nd date he was trying to score some “rolls to pop” for most of the night. and ended up drunkenly leaving me stranded to get a ride home with his friend.
after that, completely randomly, a good while later when i was out of school, he contacted me. he was in military school, completely cleaned up, his act together. he still hadn’t lost his easy charm and smooth half-truths. we talked every so often. it really was a minor deal. we made vague plans to meet up, both of us knowing the other wouldn’t follow through as we were more than a few states apart.
another long period of silence followed. he did call to wish me “merry xmas, beautiful” in december in the casual manner he has a way of pulling off.
i decided to give him a call the other day. half-boredom/half-curiosity. to my shock he returned my call. since we last talked, he dropped out of school. he’s working for his father. his voice lacked the carefree edge it once had when he might have been somewhat out of control but at least had the potential and time to make up for it. i noted as such but he said he was just tired. a long day of work. the thing is it probably was just him being tired. but i finally fully acknowledged the obvious gap. the gap between us, that i always rationalized as ridiculous pragmatism, stretching between us for miles and miles and miles.
despite all the people i do and do not get along with famously in the world, i know that every person has some one out there who understands their silences. and i’m glad for that.
these two understand each other just fine.