My Other Job is Hacking

i’ve been suffering from this smoker’s cough as of recent. no, i do not smoke nor have i ever but i have this racking cough thanks to some strange bug i picked up who knows where. anyway. it’s led to several public coughing spasms. and has proved resistant to many a cough drop and swig of water. and when i try and hold it in, i start making these huffing noises like a football player getting hit in the stomach repeatedly. anyway, it also keeps me up at night.

soooo this morning my dad wordlessly came in my room, stuck a bottle of robitussin in my hand and deposited a cough drop in my still-sleeping mouth. this was his way of saying GET BETTER. this is also nature’s (not NURTURE’s) way of saying “if you do not choke on this cough drop while you are still sleeping, you may pass on to the next level of life.” miraculously, when i woke up three hours later, the cough drop was hibernating in the corner of my cheek burning a hole of honey lemon-flavored menthol into my gums.

remember in 2nd grade when cough drops were candy?

oh this just in. my cough? yeah now there’s a whistle at the end. when i cough i whistle at the end…or rather my lungs make this whistling noise. my parents are somewhat concerned about this perpetual cough. i’m so thrilled i’ve finally impressed my parents with some form of bad health. when your parents are both doctors, you must have a true medical oddity or severity to draw any attention from them whatsoever. they put a humidifier in my room, are considering antibiotics and keep calling me things like pooboo and booloo. this is very nice. i am having very little incentive to get better. oh except for that i keep spazzing out in public places, and people keep saying “are you ok?” today’s notable place that received a good ole germ spraying was the drug aisle at the grocery store (yeah irony).

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