Unclogging the Pores of Humanity One Laugh at a Time

do you all mean to say there are actually people out there who eat chinese leftovers hot? what is better than a cold slimy noodle? answer me that!

my first column is published. weeehoooooo. i also have a $25 paycheck. seeing as how this is my first income in the past 3 months, i have been continually wetting myself out of sheer ecstasy. i will probably treat myself to 2.5 drinks later this week just to get the heady feeling of blowing cash.

so yesterday i did another open mike stand up gig and it went surprisingly well. it was crazy. crazy awesome. i told my not-so-made-up joke about the guy who sent me some indian jokes he wrote for me. that went over well. i think i got the sympathy minority card. the thing i’m not understanding yet though is what exactly makes the audience laugh based on what i say. yeah, it seems like something that seems pretty crucial to telling jokes. but i’m totally out of tune. i just get up there and go “blah blah blahhhhhhhh” and hope they laugh at all. i really don’t pay attention to where they laugh or why they laugh. next time, i will take my little tape recorder. that reminds me, i still want one of those pen recorders. this has been an ongoing desire since i was 8. and now, i’m in an even less plausible position to get one.

beyond crazy awesome

oh but, when the audience was making “awwwww” noises because i was playing the poor little don’t-box-me-in-by-the-color-of-my-skin card, i was thinking of saying “you know what would really make me feel better? if you changed those awwwws to haaaaaas.”

also the host called me Oooh-parna instead of Uh-parna. it certainly made me sound that much more scintillating.

in conclusion, my current work task, assigned to me last week, is getting some cumulative information to help write up/produce someone’s obituary. i’m somewhat behind on the task so i spent all weekend hoping to goodness this person did not die so i would not be screwed. yes, it was an interesting time.

postscript: i told my mother i don’t wash my face. she got this new face-cleaning scrub. and she wanted me to try it out. she was horrified when she learned i don’t wash my face and queried as to the justification of such an abhorrence. i told her that people tell me i have nice skin. and i don’t do anything to maintain it. so why should i start doing anything? she, in the way only a mother can, forced the face scrub on me with a cotton swab. and i did feel some lovely tingling sensations in the process. needless to say, today i have a huge inflamed zit on my forehead. coincidence? don’t make me come to your house and clog your pores with so-called cleaning solutions. my face exists in a happy equilibrium of dirt and air. best to leave such natural wonders untouched by the wiles of man.

you’re not fooling anybody with your refreshed look

4 thoughts on “Unclogging the Pores of Humanity One Laugh at a Time

  1. dink says:

    I’m glad to hear things went so well stand-up wise and paycheck-wise. Does twenty-five dollars only buy TWO (point five) drinks nowadays? Jeez. It’s been a while for me. ha.I’m with you on the cold chinese food …I hear there are peeps who heat up left over spaghetti too …go figure.

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