So as of recent, my little resume cup overfloweth. No, not the job experience section, you sillies. The affiliations section. What, you don’t have an affiliations section? Well, I do. It’s pretty easy. You just join some clubs, and voila! You are affiliated with them. Just like that.
It’s pretty spectacular. Plus, when you’re home alone at night, clutching a glass of wine, sobbing tears of desperation and loneliness into your previously saltstained down comforter, you can just wipe those eyes dry as you glance upon your plentiful paragraph of affiliations on your expensive Kinko’s paper resume.
I am so popular.
I am so included.
I am one of them.
You can use all these affirmations and more in the morning mirror because, you, my friend, are a member. Not a drugstore novel connotation of the term ‘member’ but the other kind.
Oh and the most important thing of all. If you need to be part of a club and it’s not within your coolness capacity, make a branch division club of the one in question. These are often frequently seen in the lower circles.
For instance, rather than being in the ULTIMATE PILLOWFIGHT CLUB, reserved for only those who fight with the purest pillows and hate most people who actually use pillows for sleep, you can be in the Ultimate Pillowfight Club, Branch Division 243756B, which has slightly altered its own standards due to location and member preference. It’s that easy.
Here are my affiliations currently (yes, just one. I’m working on them, you see…):
The Gin & Tanqueray Club, President — (description may/may not have been written by the Misanthropic Writer himself…eeee)
Started in early 2006, the Gin & Tanqueray Club is already a Washington instutition which brings together interns and other young Washington professionals with elderly hacks and has-beens, to say nothing of misanthropic writers, who were once great but are now down on their luck. The resulting melange serves two significant social purposes, bringing much needed therapy to the misanthropes, while imparting the wisdom of their years to the young Turks eager to take their jobs and send them to the Hospice, and the sooner the better.
The money raised from the meetings goes to build a retirement center for misanthropes of all races and ethnic nationalities. The Tanqueray Gin Company, in a much-appreciated demonstration of social commitment, donates $1 to the club’s causes for each glass of gin drunken. As the glasses of gin escalate, so does the monetary committment. Anyone drinking a fifth glass of Tanqueray, will be matched by $5 from the Tanqueray Company. Anyone who drinks six or more will have their funeral paid for free by the company.
I believe that the innovative approaches of the G&T club will be copied throughout Washington and become a standard of excellence while at the same time supporting and exhibiting public debauchery.
And most recently…I received this invitation:
“In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since.
“‘Whenever you feel like criticizing any one,’ he told me, ‘just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.'” [GG 1:1-2]
So began the book that would define a generation and change the face of American literature. In the eighty-one years since it was first published, The Great Gatsby has transcended the ranks of the novel to become the scripture of America mythopoetics.
It is high time the Gatsby was studied as such. So Revs. Intern Chris’s Friend and Intern Chris are founding the world’s first Gatsby Study, in which we will examine this text in the manner that it deserves.
This is not a book club, as the book never changes. Instead will examine the Gatsby in the manner of scriptural reading, sometimes spending the entire hour on a handful of sentences until we have decoded their meaning. Though we hasten to assure you that probing the mind of Fitzgerald is, if not impossible, damn near it.
All you need is a copy of the Gatsby and a bottle of wine. Our catechism encourages the use of alcohol to transcend worldly thoughts and become closer to the mind of Fitzgerald, who was, admittedly, usually trashed himself.
Revs. Intern Chris and Intern Chris’s Friend
Excellent. I can feel myself getting more popular, worldly and socially aware by the second.
And in case you think I’m getting too uppity (I probably am) but also I just ate an animal cracker that possibly had asbestos on it. Oh well, you win some, you lose some. Brain cells, I mean.
this camel definitely had some asbestos interactions.