Spooning with Success

i am feeling molto pensive. who knows why? allz i know is i’m spooning with something tonight. be it a bedspread, a pillow with a face on it or an old box of Life cereal. don’t judge. one day, you’ll find yourself in similar circumstances and you’ll come crying to me and don’t worry, i won’t laugh. i won’t.

the day progressed as any other. i had to write part II of my series on casual hook ups. i don’t understand why no one will hire me for jobs where i’m semi-qualifiedi’m super-qualified to sit on my ass and two finger type words into search engines. but when it comes to writing 5000 words on authoritating like the carrie bradshaw of this american life, the world says “GO GET EM TIGER!” long sexy story short, i spit out two thirds of this healthy grown-up skanky advice at my mother’s office almost using the two finger type method the whole time until my other fingers started getting belligo on me.

not my finger.

i bet the other employees were wondering why i was monopolizing the one office computer to write about carrying around contraception in your purse and/or pocket and having fresh breath at crucial make-or-break points of the night. what kind of an authority am i really? i consider spooning part of the bedroom olympics. yeah i said it.

wow. after listening to some sad songs and convincing myself i was sad, i switched to irish pub music and it’s done a world of good. i am considering breaking a chair or two shortly. if my parents came back from china and all the chairs in the house were broken and/or urinated on, what would happen?

another case of domestic abuse.

a) they would yell at me.
b) they would look at me disparagingly.
c) they would make me spoon with the damage.
d) all of the above.
e) all of the above and they would give me some presents from china.

if you picked E, you are far less confident in the US Customs Police than i.

what else happened today? oh yeah. i had dinner with some of my old coworkers. the paparazzi was there. so was the paparazzi’s paparazzi. long sexy story short, i don’t think our photos were actually snapped. the paparazzi was too busy beating up their paparazzi. everyone wants to be a hero.

eheheheheh they got you first. is that guy preggers?!

i have a sitcom on in the background while i do my important works. but mostly it’s so that’s there is a laugh track going. that way, when i type something funny, i time it so that the laugh track comes when i finish typing it. it’s like my very own pathetic audience.

plus i have kanye west playing now. he supplanted the irish pub band. so imagine my house right now. almost broken chairs, sex articles, kanye, people laughing at regular intervals and me spooning with something shortly. it all adds up to a surefire formula to ridiculous amounts of success. success in achieving what? delusions of grandeur. woot woot.

speaking of success, elmo was on NPR today. way to go, man. but who was styling your hair today? oh it was radio. PHEW.

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