Relax, I’m a Pro at This…

i just experienced one of the weirdest yoga classes ever. first of all, i was late. and i’ve been having myriad problems with lateness lately. so my chi was way WAY way out of line. that was just the beginning.

i get to the yoga room, and this blonde (probably of swedish origin) yoga master diva looks at me like i just unaligned her chi. i ignore her and proceed to throw my weight around the room by getting a yoga mat as loudly as possible and then throwing all my stuff down in a corner, also loudly, and then unrolling my mat, with a grand finale of loudness.

this kind of looks like the yoga instructor.

*at this point, the rest of the class was tapping various parts of their body with closed fists. the current part of the body being tapped was the chest. yogi master said “this is to release various toxins from your body.” then we began tapping our faces. “this is to reduce your allergies.” really? why didn’t they teach this in preschool? think of all those untapped years my body went through. all those changes!

then we began tapping down the fronts of our legs all the way down to our feet also to “significantly reduce allergies.” allergies to what? foot dander? toe pollen? then we went up the backs of our legs, still knocking with closed fists, up past our buttocks (we actually lingered for awhile on the buttocks, once again, to “clear toxins”…i was afraid someone might take her words literally…and shart!) and then moved up our backs to our necks. and then spent a few minutes tapping our faces especially our jaws to “really loosen up those muscles.” well, you know what they say, you haven’t tried it until you’ve knocked it.
don’t worry. he’s just reducing his allergies.

*in the midsection of class, we worked on our…midsections. we stretched very gently like we all had arthritis.

the best part of all was that the lady next to me seemed to be quite eager to communicate the fact that she just recently received her doctorate in the practice of lamaze. her breath exhalations would have been less shocking if she had been birthing one child after another all class long. instead, she was simply stretching out her uterus..ahem..calf muscles.

she wasn’t even preggers!

then we worked with lying down and carefully moving various parts of our bodies really delicately. i felt like a human glass house. there was a racquetball game going on one floor down with men screaming every time they made contact with the ball. so the glass house shattered about five times per minute.

*towards the end of class, we did a nostril exercise where we inhaled through one nostril then blocked it and exhaled through the other one, and then alternated back and forth. she said this was “to balance out the brain, rather, your creative side and your logic side.” ummm for realzies? i thought i was just emptying snot. but yes, i guess i feel more balanced now that there are equal amounts of boogers in both halves of my nose.
nostril clearing is an age-old practice of achieving zen.

to conclude, the yogi master made us all lie down on our mats and then she came around and “tucked us into bed” by covering us each with towels.

then we did an exercise called “beach relaxation scenario” but i recognized it as actually being stolen straight from nursery school (i.e., NAPTIME). by the end of class, i was on my spiritual sleep plane, my allergies were mad reduced and my brain was balanced to the ultimate power of nose.

the end of class. but we were all tucked in!

things really came full circle when i accidentally walked in on the yogi master in the shower down in the lockerroom. my chi is feeling hella awkward right now.

8 thoughts on “Relax, I’m a Pro at This…

  1. C says:

    HAHAHAHAHA. this might be one of my favorite all-time aparna posts. i love walking in on men in the shower. anywho, i heart you.

  2. C says:

    HAHAHAHAHA. this might be one of my favorite all-time aparna posts. i love walking in on men in the shower. anywho, i heart you.

  3. C says:

    oh wait, the yogi master is a woman. funny how the only person i pictured you walking in on showering was siddartha, the yoga instructor samantha wanted to sleep with on sex and the city.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Nice! Where you get this guestbook? I want the same script.. Awesome content. thankyou.< HREF="" REL="nofollow">»<>

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