dear fuzzy navel malt cooler,
thanks for coming home with me tonight. you knew i didn’t have time to go out what with having to write jokes and make a mother’s day card. so instead, you came home with me. i didn’t even have to try a line on you. you were ready, willing and able. the lady at the register in the grocery store wondered why i was buying you in a four-pack all by my lonesome after daylight hours. but you knew. you knew. and you didn’t raise your voice in complaint asking “where’s the party?” or even comment on the solo drinking affair upon reaching my domicile.
you tried to look presentable when my mother gave you the evil eye and called me a “little alcoholic.” and when i cracked you open, you made that nice fizzy sound i’ve come to so love.
sure, i could have gone for the hard cider or the pale ale. but we both know where my true alliances lie. they’re all with you, fuzzy navel malt cooler. they’re all with you. you can have my first apartmentwarming party once i move out of my parents’ house. you can have first dibs as to which friend gets your first sip. you can even pick the music.
because you know how to treat a girl right. make her head spin just a little. i’m ignoring the slight headache. that couldn’t have anything to do with you, fuzzy n. i refuse to believe it.
and neither of us will say a word about how i accidentally spilled you over most of the computer work station while trying to answer the phone. you were just trying to spread the love. who can fault you that? shhhhhh. no one cares how many typos were in my IM conversations after i started cavorting with you, fuzzy n. don’t say a word.
tonight. it’s just you and me.
your BFF and forever lovah, aparna