i don’t know what to say. everything feels like it’s falling apart. but who knows if it was ever in one piece? probably crazyglued together with routine and regularity? i don’t know what my goals are anymore, if i even have any. i don’t know who will be around for me one week, one month, one year from now. i don’t know what i’m doing. i see other people behave in certain ways and i don’t like it. but then apparently people don’t like my behavior. i feel like my life was a circus with ten thousand things going on at once and plenty to see and do and watch and it was all under the BIG TOP, and then, this past weekend, there was an earthquake and all the tents collapsed and there were elephant outlines trumpeting under falling billows of white tents and multicolored banners slowly floating earthward. the show must go on.
i am so unsure of what to do with anything right now. i’m just going to go through the motions until things make sense again. too stressed out to cry.