Stream of Crapciousness

well yesterday night after comedy. stream of consciousness comedy it was because i don’t know what i said, no one else knew what i said and no one, most of all me, cared. and when i actually tried to tell scripted jokes, they didn’t even make sense to me, so how were other people supposed to understand? i don’t care. i was having fun talking to the audience about everything and anything and then saying “why did i say that?” it was awkward, good thing me and awkward are like THIS (make “tiiiight” finger sign).

my relationship with awkward. you know you’re jealous.

there was a faux-brick wall behind me and i wanted to walk through it and make a big scene. sometimes i just want to make a big scene. but in the end, i always just make little 2-second scenes. if you blink, you miss ’em. hence people always giving me shit about being this huge poser who hides behind my writing. people do it all the time. this homeless guy fingergunned me this morning and was like “yo poser, why don’t you put your mouth where your moneymaker is, you talk out of your ass so much anyway. or should i say BLOG so much out yo’ ass. hiyyoooooooooo.” then i gave him a dollar for telling me something of substance.

this was the guy.

it’s disappointing. it’s like if you’re three and you make your first poop in the potty (i was six, don’t laugh) and you want to show it off for the world to see, but it’s so small and pathetic. everyone else takes big poops and all you have to show for yourself are the little ones. i can’t stop talking about poop. my brain is full of it.

i have poop envy. what are you so happy about?

that reminds me of something. yesterday i was running on no sleep. sleep deprivation heightens my consciousness. it makes me into SUPERGENIUS aparna. it’s the closest thing i have to getting high but being on cocaine at the same time. i was making all kinds of discoveries about myself and other people yesterday. i’ve never felt so alive. and yet so dead at the same time. you insomniacs have been holding out. the sleep deprivation high is amazing. i’m not even going to talk about it anymore because i’m feeling possessive.

when i drove home after comedy, i got lost because i was driving crazy cautious. crazy cautious is when you drive really cautiously but in a very haphazard way. i was piddling then accelerating then swerving then maintaining. i ended up in some kind of federal training ground then in a national park. i was speaking to a friend on the phone the whole time so i could stay awake and i was telling her all kinds of things. mostly extremely intelligent coherent things.

hmmm, must have made a wrong turn. oh well.

the point is when i got home i lit some Nutella on fire in the microwave and my father told me he wasn’t surprised i got declined for another job and then i told my parents they could both fudge it all and i faux-stomped up to my room and faux-slammed the door but then i came back down to the kitchen and we all had a big laugh about it and ate charred Nutella with crazy straws.

atta girl.

here’s what the point of this whole blog post originally was before i got on the tangent bus (you think crazies ride the reg’lar bus? hahaha you ain’t been on da tangen’ bus. leave off the the last t for extra crazies)

i went to thai food for lunch. and got some kind of brown sauce stain right where my left boob is. right in the middle of it where the sun rises. i pointed it out to my friend and he was like “maybe you’re lactating soy sauce. actually i was going to say lactating curry at first because of thai curry but then i realized oh wait, you’re Indian, that would have been bad.” no. you know what’s bad. keeping your offensive funny curry comments to yourself. out with it, brother. i need to get my giggly on all constantlike.

in conclusion, today started out cloudy and then it was sunny at lunch. now it’s cloudy again. the point is, at lunch, the hooters down the street from where i work, well the hooters girls were all outside being hooters girls and sunning their heavensent selves. with their short shorts and their tube socks. the tube socks totally cancel out the cleavage, by the way. but my opinion doesn’t count. my friend said they were outside hula hooping the other day. man, what i wouldn’t give to see hooters girls hula hooping. outstanding. she said she knows someone who’s dating a hooters girl. let me tell you, she told me, he gets a lot of free wings. yes, but also breasts and thighs, i countered.

they’re so all-american. gooooo freedom!

i’m outtie. make this one count.

and on the third day of the weekend, there was salvation.

9 thoughts on “Stream of Crapciousness

  1. Anonymous says:

    first post! woo. um, you need to pull it together. seriously. why don’t you take a little vacation for memorial day?-bean

  2. Aparna says:

    it is, tara! i think i like it despite its terrible effects. i slept for 13 hours yesteday, bean. i think that’s sort of pulling it together.

  3. Tara says:

    hahahaha. I don’t like it. Only because I’m usually at work when I feel that way, and man its hard to get ANYTHING done. It makes me feel like a complete moron. I’ll ask someone their name like 10 times before I remember it.

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