Weekend Squaredown, as Recounted Sans Braincells

let’s talk, kiddies. are you sitting? good. it’s not that i have beeg news or nothin’, it’s just that i like if you’re sitting when you read my garble. it minimizes leaning-over-the-compooter-pootage. not that there’s anything wrong with that.

man, i sure like kanye west. i really have no sage words about my music appreciation or music in general. i just like what i like and don’t like what i don’t like. unless i’m trapped in a small room with smooth jazz for hours upon hours, after which point, i might love it a little but only because i was forced to love it for my own survival. but kanye. i can’t be impartial about him. can’t do it. not gonna try.

let’s talk about the weekend now. actually, first let’s talk about how i just already checked all my afternoon procrastination sources and it’s not even 12 yet. what a sobering thought. i’m not going to think anymore today. to the point where i’m sitting next to this old banana peel and it’s emitting serious nanner fumes in my direction and i’m too braindead to think about what steps i could take to solve this monster problem. there shouldn’t be any perfumes with eau de old banana in them. they should be banned.

weekend. focus. i can talk about this now. now that all the executive business is out of the way. friday. what happened? i am having significant problems with recall today. ah yes, on friday, i saw “an inconvenient truth”…the al gore movie about global warming. my favorite part was the cartoons. and the chilling facts. ah yes. you should see it. it’s pretty critical that you do in fact. then there was bubble tea. bubblebubblebubbbbbble. i have never been so disgusted by the tapioca balls in the bottom of bubble tea as i was that night. usually i’m fine with the pseudonipples (my friend alex thinks they’re like nipples) living at the bottom of my tea juice. but they kept clogging the straw until finally i had to resort to spitting one out onto my eating plate to tell it what i thought of it. that was a failure. it looked even more horrifying out there on a plate, like a black unforgiving eyeball staring at me. i also finished an entire plate of agedashi tofu by myself. they looked like hairy couches. my entire meal was somewhat unsettling.

oooh bad boba! bad!

mmmm deep-fried cubes in my tumtum

on saturday afternoon, i went shopping. but the mall sapped my friend nydia and i of all of our strength. it was amazing. every store we went into after the last one, we got progressively more and more tired. until we were CRAWLING. we were crawling ON THE FLOORS of the mall. people were staring at us because we looked like we were looking for an oasis in the desert. an oasis that would never come. here’s how tired i was. i almost bought a mumu. no joke. anyway i didn’t buy the mumu incidentally. i acquired the most adorable summer dress at the mall. i won’t even talk about it. i will talk about the dressing rooms at the mall though. there’s always a sort of courtyard outside of all the dressing rooms in the nicer clothing stores where all the disgruntled husbands/boyfriends sit with glassy eyes and sunken chins. some with their heads in their hands. i proclaimed it a “relationship graveyard.” seriously. let’s keep going.

muumuu! (to be uttered with delight)

saturday night was ridonculous. first i went to this bowling alley/bar with A FLASK OF FUZZY NAVEL MALT COOLER for a friend’s birthday. except i made a booboo. right when the waitress came up behind me with the shishi frothy orange drink that i ordered a century ago, i was taking a walloping gulp from the old flaskaroo. and she looks at me in disbelief and says “OH REALLY?!” she was dressed like a little bowling dominatrix vamp (btw, on an unrelated note, my mother said she LOVES her new highlights because she feels more like a vamp. awkward) so i felt immediately submissive.

a tiny canister of sin

then! then! i got to see some free improv. yayyyyyyy. but then the fuzzy navel cooler somehow got out of the flask and all over my purse and everything in it. booooooooooo. lucky macguyver me had a solution to that. ice cream and other booze. i felt better. but then my friend alex and i polished off some of our friends’ hardly touched nachos. nachos are a good bet five bites deep, but after that, all bets are off. and it was true. we both parted ways in a sour cream and cheese coma. and my mother had left two msgs on the sticky cell telling me two murderers were on the loose and to BE CAREFUL. thanks ma. THANKS A BUNCH. i can’t even walk straight because my liver is coated with bourbon and extra cheese. how the heck am i going to run away from murderers? oh right. slowly. and without success. lucky for me, i did make it home thanks to obsessive compulsive pokey guy on subway who kept saying “HEY STOP SLEEPING YOU’RE GONNA MISS YOUR STOP!” what a good samaritan.

you can’t walk after eating these. it’s physically impossible.

anyway. sunday i bonded with mumzie over bagels, ran through shrubs sustaining some kind of beautiful crisscross thorn tattooage on my legs and wrapped up with some standup comedoodly. which went well for once! praise the muses! all in all a good sprocket of a weekend.

nothing says affirmation like a good sprocket.

today at work is slow. i think i’ve been granted permission to fudge around a little. but first, i must deal with this old banana. it’s time to get physical.

9 thoughts on “Weekend Squaredown, as Recounted Sans Braincells

  1. sammygeerock says:

    Gone is fo sho my fav. I love the Otis redding background and Killa Cam’s part is dope. Might be tied with Livin Like a Movie. Through the Wire always a classic.

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