oh yeah so the thing i love about the male species is that if you’re having problems with one of them, the universe sends a collective text msg to the rest of them commanding them to make you feel better [something like this: omg mke aprna feel bttr! 🙂 😉 🙂 ]. so thanks parking garage guy, subway construction worker and random schoolboys for your words of kindness in my time of need.
here’s an example before your minds relish in gutterthoughts:
parking garage guy: oh i see you have a flower.
me: *holding flower* yes.
parking garage guy: so today is happy day.
me: *warm fuzzy* (thinking of something cute to say back)
parking garage guy: *sees two hotter ladies, runs away to flirt with them*
me: *standing with flower* universe, text that one twice next time?
universe: OK APARNA. NOW GIMME THAT FLOWER.
oh and not to be all selective, but gay guys can really make you feel like a goddess. i was going to say queen, and then i decided that was a poor choice of words. the way some of them swoon over good skin is worth some serious applause.
oh so let’s talk about daily makeup application. this morning i had a major bronzer accident. don’t even ask, DON’t EVEN ASK what i was doing applying liberal amounts of bronzer to my face. i’m the crayon marked MORENA in the spanish crayola box. but still, i was like this is nice. my mother gave me this small harmless-looking container of bronzer that she got free with some makeup kit. and bronzer is so shiny. me like shiny. shiny is nice in compact but EVEN NICER ON MY FACE. so i dumped some in my hands and rubbed them together and then rubbed them on my face. i know, i know, it sounds like someone who has never used makeup before. well guess what. i look up into the mirror, and i don’t know what i was expecting, but i had completely copper hands and a copper face. i looked like c3po.
i even did the robot so i could really rub it in the mirror’s face how ridiculous i looked. and then there was a problem (like there wasn’t one already…), it wouldn’t COME OFF. apparently i would be rocking the metallic look at work today. “NO!” i shouted at the mirror in horror. “NO!” then i remembered when i was little, the way to get excessive halloween facepaint off your face was with…PETROLEUM! JELLY! so i got my parents’ huge costco tub of vaseline and went all predator on my face. until the copper robot look turned into the shiny half human/half robot/greasy plastic look. “MUCH BETTER,” i smiled to myself. this has been another aparna mistreating her face production.
now THIS is foundation.
this is fun. it’s about a guy who is only eating monkey food and nothing else for a week. all the breaking news! you get it here first!
The Monkey Chow Diaries