a run through the woods is not complete unless you experience the following:
10. getting lost even though you are about 1/4 mile away from a main road/luxury homes.
9. wading through knee-high grass and then straddling two thorn bushes and realizing your best bet out is via big thorny plant #1 or small insidious thorny plant #2.
8. picking thorns out of your legs, some of them so small you’re still picking them out after they’re all gone. just to make sure.
7. catching spiderwebs on your person every two feet (i’m not even exaggerating). at one point, i had four spiders dangling off of me and about seven fly carcasses studded on my t-shirt.
6. levels of humidity that allow spiderwebs to stay on you for far longer than is decent to print here.
5. running across a dirty creek one way out of desperation, then running back across it 5 minutes later, then running back across it again 3 minutes later, and finally, acknowledging defeat, walking through it 5 minutes later. shoes smell like maggot paradise at this point.
it’s fun the first time
4. having a confrontation with a small dog. i was about to pee on my territory. really, i had just about had it. finally i just started running after him as he yapped in protest.
you’re not the boss of me!
3. traversing mud with no traction whatsoever. at one point, my entire lower half was traveling 5 seconds ahead of my upper half. shoes now look and smell like rot.
2. crawling up someone’s sloping wooded backyard and hiding in the bushes like some sort of a wild animal.
i’m so crafty
1. and finally, scampering across a pristine civilized lawn belonging to a very very affluent house having some kind of a ‘thank goodness it’s summer’ high school deadbeat party. sometimes suburbia is welcomed with open webby cut up arms. but honestly, you can’t beat the woods. it beats you first.
i’m coming home baby! i’m coming home!
p.s. bugbites? checcccccccck.