Who Isn’t Out to Lunch These Days?

yesterday at comedy this guy fell asleep while i was telling jokes and i said really loudly, “ARE YOU ASLEEP?” while i was on stage. and his eyes popped open like a mechanical doll. he looked sheepish. i know that look so well. i’m usually the one making it though. the audience last night could have made a baby bunny rage. no joke. i ate a burrito in the park before that by myself though, so i was allowed to be as messy as i wanted. so it evened out, lifewise.

they are so angry right now

remember elementary school lunches?

my mom had the most well-intentioned peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. but there was just too much filling and the hearty bread trend hadn’t started yet. i tried to eat them because they were made with love, but they were like victims of some nuclear world where you could see all their insides from their outsides. you couldn’t help but grimace when emptying out the brown bag.

oh wow

then there was the minibagels phase. i had minibagels for many many many meals. they always came in threes. hard to mess up.

you are minilooking but maxidelicious

cup of noodles phase. that was the phase of no eating for awhile. because i was afraid to use the hot water spigot at school. not after the boy spilt hot water noodle soup all over the crotch of his pants and started crying. penis on fiyah! oh no. high-risk.


fruit snacks. that phase was short and sticky.

made from real fruit, eh? eh? EH?!

yoohoo box drinks. that was a lonnnnng phase. i think i even liked them for a short time. hilarious.

there was a fruit yogurt phase too. fruit yogurt was hard to finish as a child. the cup always seemed bottomless.

the absolute joys of my childhood were kudos bars and sunkist granola bars. i felt like i was hoodwinking the universe by eating chocolate-covered nutrients.

once i forced a girl to trade her mars bar for my fruit snacks. i would have felt good about it except it was basically imperial forced trade. the idea that i ever bullied anyone into anything at a young age still surprises me.

once when i was about five, i ate count chocula cereal for three weeks straight for every meal. lifechanging. then it was banned from the house.

nine vitamins and minerals, read it and weep

this timeline rocked. and it wasn’t even in order.

6 thoughts on “Who Isn’t Out to Lunch These Days?

  1. Yoda says:

    Its easy to get addicted to Cup O Noodles ‘coz all the MSG they put in it! Very bad.I’m currently in my Planters cashew halves and pieces phase.

  2. dink says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, now your talkin’ –school lunches, great topic. But first FIE on the raging bunny audience –audiences ought to come primed to LAUGH (in my not so humble opinion) I mean it’s not like Comedy Challenge –is it?Our school trash cans were overloaded with small (“lunchbox size”) red delicious apples. Yes they were red. Mushy overly sweet mushy unapple-like balls of mushiness. No one ate them EVER. And bananas –whoa the universal lunch fruit …all my elementary school memories are tinged with the smell of bananas and paste. Twinkies, rubber faux dessert and it’s evil cousin the snowball …a round chocolate twinkie with sharp shards of faux coconut all over it –beeeeecuz? someone apparently thinks balls of snow are fuzzy and glow-in-the dark PINK. The Ho Ho variation was the best of the faux food dessert craze.There also once was something misleadingly called “Sandwich spread” it was 98 percent sweetened mayo and the rest was tiny confetti-like pieces of ????? green and red. They may have been intended to represent pickles and pimento (gag). This was put on a sandwich ALONE–it WAS the sandwich filling–YARG!Chopped olive sandwiches–somehow it’s just wrong to have black food, especially for children. Do boxed drinks have more than two child-sized sips in them? I’m skeptical. They always made me MORE thirsty than I was before I drank them. I think parents paid the big bucks for a box that was pretty much empty but came with a dandy glued on straw. Sorry, I took this topic and ran away with it. nuff.

  3. Aparna says:

    yoda — i am not a big fan of CON. but planters! cashews! tell me more.dink — i’m glad i struck a chord! i liked your epic piece on lunch foods. my favorite part was the mayo spread with the pickle confetti. truly i have missed out. is it in a food museum somewhere? a basement pantry, p’haps?

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