yesterday at comedy this guy fell asleep while i was telling jokes and i said really loudly, “ARE YOU ASLEEP?” while i was on stage. and his eyes popped open like a mechanical doll. he looked sheepish. i know that look so well. i’m usually the one making it though. the audience last night could have made a baby bunny rage. no joke. i ate a burrito in the park before that by myself though, so i was allowed to be as messy as i wanted. so it evened out, lifewise.
they are so angry right now
remember elementary school lunches?
my mom had the most well-intentioned peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. but there was just too much filling and the hearty bread trend hadn’t started yet. i tried to eat them because they were made with love, but they were like victims of some nuclear world where you could see all their insides from their outsides. you couldn’t help but grimace when emptying out the brown bag.
then there was the minibagels phase. i had minibagels for many many many meals. they always came in threes. hard to mess up.
you are minilooking but maxidelicious
cup of noodles phase. that was the phase of no eating for awhile. because i was afraid to use the hot water spigot at school. not after the boy spilt hot water noodle soup all over the crotch of his pants and started crying. penis on fiyah! oh no. high-risk.
fruit snacks. that phase was short and sticky.
made from real fruit, eh? eh? EH?!
yoohoo box drinks. that was a lonnnnng phase. i think i even liked them for a short time. hilarious.
there was a fruit yogurt phase too. fruit yogurt was hard to finish as a child. the cup always seemed bottomless.
the absolute joys of my childhood were kudos bars and sunkist granola bars. i felt like i was hoodwinking the universe by eating chocolate-covered nutrients.
once i forced a girl to trade her mars bar for my fruit snacks. i would have felt good about it except it was basically imperial forced trade. the idea that i ever bullied anyone into anything at a young age still surprises me.
once when i was about five, i ate count chocula cereal for three weeks straight for every meal. lifechanging. then it was banned from the house.
nine vitamins and minerals, read it and weep
this timeline rocked. and it wasn’t even in order.