Like It or Lump It…This Expression Should Be Brought Back


the day is coming to an end, and by day, i mean temp job.

another temp job, another job without benefits. c’est la poo!

i just got a myspace msg from “Good goggoly moggoly that thing is juicy!!!” so clearly, i should be counting my blessings. yes, that is his name. he hails from fantasy island, and he asks that some ladies CUMM join him. that’s right. cum with TWO m’s. that means he’s extra sweet. ok i’ll stop. i can hear you groaning all the way from here.

“too sexy! too sexy!…but i must.”

my coworker asked me to join his poker circle. don’t even ask how thrilled i was. then he told me the rules of poker (because i don’t know how to play). he’s treating me like “one of the dudes!” i wish i had my camera for this moment. i feel validated as a person. his friends are wholesome, he says. his friends could be hoodlums and vandals! it matters not!

my friend commented on a big nose from high school the other day. and since then, i haven’t been able to stop staring at people’s noses and asses. don’t ask where the butt aesthetic fixation comes from. but they are two human protrusions that are impossible not to notice. one is a back protrusion (a hump, if you will) and the other is a frontal protrusion (on the bull’s eye of the face). i keep staring at people’s noses and realizing why nose jobs are so common. i think gene pools, in the darwinian evolutionary sense, are planning on getting to the nose last. but whatever, they humanize you. make you bolder. more assertive. the nose knows. as for the butt, well, butts are amazing. sometimes i wonder how they even exist.

guy’s got a nose

and baby’s got back

in contusion, my improv class teacher thinks i’m slightly off. we had to do these scenes yesterday. blahblahblah let me talk about myself. but the point is, he was the scene partner in everybody’s scenes. and he is a funny funny funny funny funnificent guy. everything that comes out of his mouth is worthy of a good stomach clutch, a kneeslap and a genuine HEEHAW. however, during our scene, despite his hilarity, i just got so spastic that he broke down laughing. maybe i reminded him of his crazy aunt hilda? who knows. when he asked me to explain my motivation as a character, i said “i’m sorry. i was trying to be happy, but then i went all crazy.” he nodded. it would be excusable if i was only like this in improv class, but i’m really a loose wire everywhere. one day i will be in a giant bird suit and things will finally make sense in my life. i think i got pwned by improv class.

what are you looking at?

p.s. for awhile today, i couldn’t stop googling JESSICA SIMPSON. then i found this picture so i stopped. after awhile, if you look at someone too much, even someone beautiful, they start to look vaguely malformed and sinister.

8 thoughts on “Like It or Lump It…This Expression Should Be Brought Back

  1. Chris Doucette says:

    Lump it! I like lumping. What can I say–I’m a lumper. I lump things. Thanks for the comment – I’m glad big bird made you laugh. Don’t worry – I heard you laughing. I recorded it. I have you on perpetual loop. I am quickly going crazy.p.s. I want to see you during improv class, but I’m afraid it might kill me with hilariousnessism.

  2. C says:

    Adam Green – Jessicajessica simpsonwhere has your love goneit’s not in your music noyou need a vacation to wake up the cavemen and take them to mexico jessica, jessica simpson you’ve got it all wrong your fraudulent smile the way that you think that the day you diemy body’s in trembles infested with brambles that sharpen the air i breathe what’s in the menujessica can youtake down my order pleasejessica, jessica simpson you’ve got it all wrong your fraudulent smilethe way that you think it the day that you diedtomorrow gets closer a purple bulldozer

  3. Anonymous says:

    < HREF="" REL="nofollow">Here<> are some links that I believe will be interested

  4. Anonymous says:

    Really amazing! Useful information. All the best.< HREF="" REL="nofollow">»<>

  5. Anonymous says:

    Your are Excellent. And so is your site! Keep up the good work. Bookmarked.< HREF="" REL="nofollow">»<>

Leave a Reply