OK. it’s saturday night. i’m exhausted. i was going to write back all these emails tonight, fully acknowledging that their recipients will see i wrote them on a saturday night at peak-meat market hour. but let’s get real; it’s more than ok i’m not OUT ON THE TOWN tonight. in fact, i realize i’m supposed to EMBRACE staying in and being a woman and LOVE my femaleness by lighting candles, watching romance meet comedy in a divine marriage and slow dancing in the room with just me and a gallon of birthday cake-flavored ice cream (they don’t sell ice cream this awesome by the pint). but let’s turn on a black light and shed some reality on the situation, shall we?
you’re a real woman now!
1) i keep falling in love with inopportune people. i’m still the girl who people think is really quiet and sweet. sometimes i have to freaking hold up a sign to get attention. even when i do talk, people say “shhh. let aparna talk. she NEVER talks.” yabber yabber. how often do i need to yabber to stop being boxed in with the QUIETS?! meanwhile, every extrovert in town is advertising themselves as shy. have you noticed this? extroverts always make a point of telling you THEY FEEL AWKWARD SOMETIMES TOO. and then they blab on and on about how uncomfortable they feel in certain social situations. um honey, honey, your point is just losing more and more street cred. it’s ok. you’re good with people, really…just go with it. no need to win over the SHY camp. we’re too busy overanalyzing how we’re standing to bother thinking about what to say OR what you’re saying.
damn you, boy next door.
2) oh i didn’t address the falling in love from numero uno. well listen here. i am a dumbass who falls in love with the hotshot. i don’t even like it. i say “NO APARNA NO. this one is NO GOOD.” and yet it’s out of my control. they win me over. the cool ones, the popular ones. ahahah this is some angsty shit i am writing here and now. anyway, i’m undecided where i fit into the social scheme of things. i find it all very confusing, very beyond me. hotshot guys go with hotshot girls, right? who goes with who, dammit? someone tell me so i know where to go.
follow the LOVE ARROW and you will prosper.
3) i had dinner with a bunch of almost-thirty year olds who kept saying how i’m just a BABY. meanwhile they had all these intricate stories about who’s seeing who, who has a drinking problem, who’s pregnant, etc. it made me think. it made me stop and think for a moment as i was shoving bread and cheese in my mouth. you can really make a lot fit in your stomach when you’re trying to look busy. but then i thought for another moment again when i was at the intersection driving home. one way leads to night out. one way leads to home. i went home. i’m just a shy generation why-me baby, what do i know?
wake me up when i stabilize emotionally.
well i know angst. and i know dashboard confessional. so i will embrace them both now like the 12-year old that i am.
take it away, mr. carrabba.