If I Tell a Joke in the Forest and No One Is Around to Hear It, Do I Still Get Your Lukewarm Respect?

i think i’m finally getting close to the edge. the edge of sanity, that is.

i am sitting awake wearing an all-black ensemble…eating a granola bar (some of it off my pants), violently itching my free and flowing madwoman-style-hairy head because i do that when i’m confused, squinting at the computer screen blindly punching buttons and wondering if anyone drinks coffee at 4am for non-work-related purposes. don’t you even for a second think that i’m having insomnia. my body rejects being awake like most aspiring hepcats reject being asleep.

why am i holding a clock? i don’t know. i guess i have a lot of time on my hand(s). *groan*

what am i doing then? good question. i’m glad you asked. tell them what they’ve won, bob.

that’s what i spit out these days. mostly little pop culture oneliners that help me make sense of situations. such as the one i found myself in tonight.

i went to a comedy show. but i felt special. because i knew both the MC and the feature acts. in fact, i even got to hang out with them + the headliner + the guy who did a guest set + some drunk girls after the show. the drunk girls were eventually evaded but the comedic interrogation wasn’t.

that’s how at about 2:15 in the morning, i found 4 male comedians sitting around a table smoking cigarettes and drinking beers, staring at me, waiting for me to tell them a joke. one of them is a featured headliner and has been on comedy central. one of them has toured all around the country and opened for most of the big names. one of them is so high-energy that he’s always a one-man hilarity show. and one of them is looking at me with eyes full of the kind of peer pressure you know is distilled straight from the mouths of frat boys. yeah. sorry to disappoint, virtual readership, but i kind of froze the hell up. and made all sorts of quips putting them off as in “i just say no to peer pressure!” and i might have also said “no” and maybe also “nooooooo, you guyyyyys.” it’s one thing to tell an apathetic audience mediocre jokes BUT 4 established comedians staring at you waiting to judge and compare and critique, um, no thanks.

peer pressure is scarier when no one is smiling.

i tip my hat to you, sirs, for your ability to tell jokes on and off stage to any crowd, no matter what size or consistency. i wish one of them would have said “why don’t you grow a pair, aparna?” because then it would have been funny. because they all have pairs. and i actually don’t.

you know what else would have solved that situation? birthday cake.

i’ve had it with pleasing the (m)asses. as mama once said “make sure you like the gerber carrot pudding before you eat 7 bottles of it on stage.”

refer to the first line of this piece for clarification.

p.s. YARRRRR(boys)GHHHHHHHH. *self-slap* get a hold of yourself, punkin.

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