i am feeling extremely off-kilter.
tomorrow is my birthday and i always get a roughly 24-hour depression around my birthday (in honor of finally being 24). and it came, right on the dot, around 6 p.m. this afternoon.
birthdays make me feel like people are nice to you out of obligation more than because they actually care. i have this specific fear of most people i know most of the time anyway. that they are nice just because they find me somewhat curious and somewhat cute. they’re nice to humor me, but they hope i’ll leave them alone after awhile and definitely do not want any kind of serious investment. birthdays are just a concentrated day of this scenario playing itself out. i really feel sick at the thought of someone paying for my dinner or treating me to a drink JUST BECAUSE it’s my birthday. i don’t deserve it! not one little bit. would you still do it on another day? probably not! then don’t do it on my birthday. it’s just another day.
i get the feeling i’m just being pathetic and stupid but i don’t know what to do about it. and i couldn’t stop telling people about it being my birthday tomorrow earlier this evening. in fact, i was having severe mouth diarrhea about it. i’m hoping one person will say “nobody gives a toot.” because honestly, no one does give a toot when it’s your birthday. they’re just being nice and/or they feel obligated. and that’s just a fact of life. another year to see it in action.
on that ridiculous note, cake will be still be served for all. no reason anybody else shouldn’t enjoy themselves.
this is an accurate picture. there is indeed a lot of hot air surrounding birthdays.
i also like how writing this automatically can make me feel better about no one acknowledging my birthday anyway. because who cares? am i right? (ha! writing that indeed makes me the biggest piece of self-indulgent shit ever.)