At the End of the Day, Everyone Loses Popularity Contests

i am feeling extremely off-kilter.

tomorrow is my birthday and i always get a roughly 24-hour depression around my birthday (in honor of finally being 24). and it came, right on the dot, around 6 p.m. this afternoon.

birthdays make me feel like people are nice to you out of obligation more than because they actually care. i have this specific fear of most people i know most of the time anyway. that they are nice just because they find me somewhat curious and somewhat cute. they’re nice to humor me, but they hope i’ll leave them alone after awhile and definitely do not want any kind of serious investment. birthdays are just a concentrated day of this scenario playing itself out. i really feel sick at the thought of someone paying for my dinner or treating me to a drink JUST BECAUSE it’s my birthday. i don’t deserve it! not one little bit. would you still do it on another day? probably not! then don’t do it on my birthday. it’s just another day.

i get the feeling i’m just being pathetic and stupid but i don’t know what to do about it. and i couldn’t stop telling people about it being my birthday tomorrow earlier this evening. in fact, i was having severe mouth diarrhea about it. i’m hoping one person will say “nobody gives a toot.” because honestly, no one does give a toot when it’s your birthday. they’re just being nice and/or they feel obligated. and that’s just a fact of life. another year to see it in action.

on that ridiculous note, cake will be still be served for all. no reason anybody else shouldn’t enjoy themselves.

this is an accurate picture. there is indeed a lot of hot air surrounding birthdays.

i also like how writing this automatically can make me feel better about no one acknowledging my birthday anyway. because who cares? am i right? (ha! writing that indeed makes me the biggest piece of self-indulgent shit ever.)

8 thoughts on “At the End of the Day, Everyone Loses Popularity Contests

  1. dink says:

    It’s too bad you have such a low opinion of people in general and yourself specifically. I know you don’t particularly care but I think you’re over-thinking things and putting the most negative spin possible on them. There *are* other possibilities like people like you, enjoy your company and want to celebrate this day with you –it’s possible.Choosing to believe THAT might make things feel a bit different. And now I’m going to haul my pollyanna ass outta here. Happy Birthday.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Aparna, since I am ready this ON your Birthday….Happy Birthday! When I finally run into you at one of the local OM’s I will surely buy you a drink, specifically since it won’t be your Birthday then. Have a nice day and don’t get too liquered up. Or do, just don’t drive.-Mike

  3. C says:

    don’t be ridiculous, foo. you’re my favorite. i can’t speak for everyone, but to me you are truly wonderful. and your life honestly contributes to the world in positive way. at the very least, to my world! happy effing birthday.

  4. Yoda says:

    I hate my b’days too. Strange reason … I found that the year 24 holds special significance in one’s life. Its the approach to the magical 25. No, I’m not talking about saving a bunch of money on car insurance … I’m talking about changes that you will bring upon yourself. Subconciously, ‘coz you’re gonna be 25 next year!Happy b’day.

  5. Melissa Marie says:

    Dammit. I missed another birthday. I hate weeks with classes. Happy belated birthday! You’ve got one good year left before 25; enjoy it. Never feel like nobody gives a toot. People do; they’re just not good at expressing it.

  6. Ox says:

    I feel the same way about people in general, especially around birthday time! All through the year people could care less if you made it through to the next day but then on your birthday, it’s like you’re their best friend! Crazy world we live in!

  7. Aparna says:

    aw man. thanks so much. you guys are the bestest. i hate to be a sap, but no i don’t actually. i love it. snuggles all around. ahaha. sammygeerock — amen! or awomen rather! dink — you’re always the best fortune cookie ever. your words are scrumptious but i won’t eat them. i’ll live by them. mike — really? are you in the area? i didn’t get liquored up on my birthday but it’s never too late to make amends. c — you know you’re my girl, riiiiight? you’re the lovah to my lovah and the koby to my south. yoda — thanks! you know, 24 doesn’t seem all that bad. what does car insurance have to do with it? oh right! 25! gotcha. i am slow. melissa marie — if i’m getting people lessons from the misanthrope, then i must be seeing things all skewed! justttt keeding. i know you’re just a big softie heh! ox — woohoo! some one finally agrees with my bitter world view. and yet now i am in recovery. hahaha. funny how that works.

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