One Long Requiem for Some Speedy Dating

Speed dating was a disastrous trainwreck. Gahahahahahaah. But not in the way you necessarily might think. Me! I was the disastrous trainwreck. Me! I take full responsibility for my actions, and the verdict is my mugshot will probably be posted at future speed dating events to deny me entry.

Watch out for this girl. She oozes disinterest, and thinks there is an “i” in team.

The night started off where we signed in, and we got nametags with our name and number on them…and then we had to fill out anonymous questionnaires about our favorite movie, tv show, karaoke song, dessert, etc…omg, you know, crucial biodata.

Anyway then the first half of the night we had to mix and mingle around the room. All the girls got questionnaires from the males, and vice versa. Then you had to try and find the person who filled out the questionnaire you got TO WIN A COOL PRIZE. Scintillating icebreaker-type kumbaya drum-circle happy fun networking times.

Except that I already started with my wrong foot forward. I basically deflated as soon as I got to the event. Looked around and decided I had nothing of substance to contribute to the room. I started asking questions in a blah-blah-this-sucks voice to see if I could get my questionnaire to match. A memorable moment was when a frenetic Argentinian guy asked me if my favorite karaoke song was “Numb” by Limp Bizkit and I replied, “No. Actually Ms. New Booty by Bubba Sparxxx” and he scrunched up his nose like I just farted.

don’t hate on the player, hate on the singles match hunt game
courtesy of Drowned in Sound

Eventually I found my match because I realized he had written his name directly on my questionnaire. I dragged my prey to the PRIZE table, and selected a nice “State of the Union”-branded black winter wooly hat. If you’re unfamiliar, it’s the sequel to Vin Diesel’s “XXX”, except starring Ice Cube. I decided the night so far was a success.

courtesy of Amazon

Then the second half of the night was the actual speed dating. You sit at a table that has 3 girls and 3 guys. Each table is numbered. And after 4 minutes, all the girls rotate to the next table. The guys stay put. I put on my “State of the Union” hat just to show people what was what. At the table where I started, I was already feeling kind of bored so when this guy (let’s call him AlphaMale1) started talking to my friend and I, I pretended to be an extreme downer. He seemed concerned and started interrogating me about my depression. Then I got moved to a different table. We’ll finish this later, Alphie, I thought to myself.

The night got pretty bad. I wouldn’t take off my hat. People kept asking me if I was cold or about to leave. Then I would roll my eyes and state “No, I’m wearing this because I’m a winner.” I started getting boring too…asking people where they worked, and then trying to ask follow-up questions. This one dude kept gushing about how his friend LOVES speed-dating events and how they both LOVE meeting people and how they both LOVE being social and it’s all just SO interesting. I wanted to pull my hat over my eyes, and cry into my soul.

courtesy of Cupid Nights

To be fair, because I’m all about fair though mentally imbalanced, I probably would have been dismissive and rude too if I had to talk to a depressive “XXX”-fan who wouldn’t look you in the eye, but really. Some of it was just too much.

*This one guy told me this whole thing was too set-up for him, and if I liked him, I should just look him in the eye and tell him. Then he proceeded to ignore me for the next 3 minutes by throwing skittles at the other girls at the table. Totally uncalled for. They didn’t put the Halloween candy at each table so you could waste the rainbow. They put it there so you could taste the rainbow, jerk off.
*Another guy lectured me on how India is an emerging superpower, and I better recognize.
*Another guy told me he majored in business but I thought he said “B&**ches.” That was like one second of amusement that was killed half a second later when he snidely corrected me and then snidely asked me why I was “so happy to be there.”

Finally, after a luscious night of missed chemistry and plummeting serotonin levels, I ended back at the table with AlphaMale1. I immediately slouched down in my seat, and looked tired. I was tired. Being frolicky and enthusiastic for 2 hours, even if you don’t actually achieve levels that register on any kind of measurable scale, is hard work.

Get this. AlphaMale1 starts right back up with the interrogation. “Seriously. What is wrong with you? Why are you so depressed?” I was like “Are you serious? I was joking.” And then he was like “Seriously. Why are you even here? Why don’t you just leave?” So I was like “Why don’t you get out of my face?” He didn’t like that one bit, not when he was trying to play Dr. Phil. His friend tried to chill him out but it was official. I made an enemy. So I took my candy + friend, and hit the road.

Enjoy your phone number exchanges, ladies and gents. I will have no part in your automatized android social interactions. After all, I got this sweet hat.

cheeeeeers! why does she not celebrate with us bloop bloop bleep?
courtesy of The Social Lounge

Though the line of the night goes to my friend who I asked, as we were leaving, what she thought of it all, and she replied “Well, it definitely restored my faith in humanity.”


9 thoughts on “One Long Requiem for Some Speedy Dating

  1. Anonymous says:

    Well, I’ve never been to speed dating events, so my dislike for them might be a little misplaced.However, I do know some people who go there yearly (we have a grad student speed dating thing every Feb.). NOTHING HAPPENS. They exchange phone numbers and chat for a few days and gradually lose interest.I think you might be better off knocking on your neighbours door to see if they’re attractive … atleast that way you’re sure that there’s SOMETHING in common.Then there’s -> matches you on 29 “dimensions” 😀Jeez, that was a rant.

  2. Tyler Sonic says:

    You should have come to our party, man! 🙂 We’ve still got a mountain of clothes in all shapes and sizes left over that are heading to goodwill in a few days, if you want anything- T$ (money)

  3. Chris Doucette says:

    And you think my blog entries are brilliant?“No – I’m wearing this because I am a winner.” Hysterical. I laughed out loud.Speed Dating is for people on speed. You should try Valium Dating. It’s much more relaxing.(I’ve tried Back Dating, but you tend to end up with some fuglies. Besides, the banks don’t like it.)

  4. dink says:

    DATING IS HELL. And doing it FASTER doesn’t improve it any. We need a better system. This sounds soooo awful, aparna that I (almost) feel guilty about laughing so hard.

  5. Aparna says:

    hahaha you guys rule.yoda — it’s ok. i didn’t reallllly think anything would happen other than chicanery. sonic — word.chris d. — wahahahahaha. um, yeah, i thought you meant dating someone’s back and not their face. dink — don’t feel bad for me! feel bad for the others who had to deal WITH me.

  6. Golden Silence says:

    At least you got to sit down and get candy at yours. We didn’t get s&*^ at the one I did (which I mentioned on the one you wrote before you attended it). I’ve come to the conclusion that speed dating just doesn’t work. It just sucks!

  7. Aparna says:

    golden silence — yeah standing AND no candy. sounds more like an etiquette class to me. of course, i still broke all the unsaid rules even with the added perks. thanks for reading!

  8. David Sclothe says:

    Try carbon dating. That way you don’t meet Vulcans like the weird-o who wanted to know all about your depression. Better yet, mandating. (Kristee suggested I look at this thing; she’s had a cameo in my blog. So I’m legit. Right?)

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