apparently coffee suppresses estrogen. who knew? it also weakens bones, but i shall be one happy brittle camper. oh SNAP! (literally)
you know what your passion is when you even try to spice up your ticket help request to the IT guy with some puns and clever word play. i just spent 20 minutes writing the perfect help request. if it elicits one chuckle about a broken phone, well then, my work is done. (figuratively)
guess what? orbit gum lasts longer than most other brands of gum. i’ve become a loyal orbit chewer. i think i’ll start calling it orbit chaw. like it’s snufftastic or something. plus it almost sounds like profanity or gorbachev without the G or something.
anyway, i started talkinng about orbit because they keep coming up with new flavors…sounds ok, right…but here’s the kicker…all the flavors are varieties of MINT. like there are only so many spins you can put on the flavor of MINT. and after awhile people start talking.
here are the orbit flavors so far:
cinnamint (fair but the mint is a stretch)
bubblemint (a classic but again…i guess the mint is just a cute add-on)
peppermint (totally legal)
spearmint (this is a plant…so i’ll go with it)
wintermint (um. WHAT. seasons aren’t FLAVORS. ok my bad. wintergreen is a a plant. you win this time, orbit)
citrusmint (alright personal bias. orangey with a mint aftertaste…acceptable)
sweetmint (sweeter, and yet still sugarfree? impressive orbit, impressive)
lemonlimemint (alright this straight up is lysol gum)
AND JUST DISCOVERED TODAY:
crystalmint (um ok orbit. unless there’s meth in this one, you are just assuming we are all dumb as a box of crack rocks and can’t tell you are marketing us the same gum over and over again)
yeah so i bought it. WHATEVER.
SPEAKING of rocks, there’s a hole in the sole of my shoe and little things like to live there like bacteria and ghosts of crickets and tiny tiny puppies. but today, the latest resident was a rock. and he truly threw a house party every time i took a step. SHIMMY SHAMMY BLIMMY BLAMMY WONKA WONKA JOOP JOOP. he bounced all around all day and trashed the livingroom down there.
so i had to evict him.
i took him out in my cubicle and took a good look at him. he looked classy enough. threw a helluva party, i can say that much. i was about to throw him in the trash when i realized, i can’t throw him in the trash. that’s not his rightful home.
he came off the street. he goes back to the street.
i truly felt a twinge of responsibility to return this rock to an open environment where he could “be free” and “roam with all the other wild rocks.”
i’m such a good-hearted person. meanwhile i’ve been feeding him office-people food all day like mini-muffins and roast chicken with artichokes. muahahahahahh! i hope he isn’t too slow to escape his predators as a result. maybe i’ll tag him with a small microchip and check in with him seasonally like on national geographic.