If Time Is Money, I Am Homeless

in an unprecendented cameo by the duke of ironyshire, i am staying at work super late to finish taking a mandatory online course.

we all had to take an online course of our choice [offered through my work] today because it’s EMPLOYEE LEARNING WEEK. it sounds cheesy but we get cake on thursday so SHUT UP.

anyway, ready for this? my online course was on “Effectively Managing Your Time.” yeah, i know, did it just hit you right in the gut? the irony on that thing is DEADLY. like rock star deadly, not like copperhead snake deadly, you sadists.

anyway, i know you guys suck at time management too so here is my random act of kindness for the day further making me late in all things i hope to accomplish this tuesday evening, and in life.


feeling stressed?! look no further!
courtesy of JALMC

THINGS I LEARNED FROM MY TIME MANAGEMENT ONLINE COURSE THAT I HAD TO STAY LATE AT WORK AND TAKE BECAUSE I HAVE BAD TIME MANAGEMENT

by APARNA

we’ll begin with a quote by M. Scott Peck
“Until you value yourself, you will not value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.”

wise words, peck! keep ’em coming! who are you anyway?

First Words in the Course: “Are you running your job, or is your job running you?”

touche, computah!!! i don’t like what you’re insinuating though especially as it is 7p.m. and i am still at work.

the course taught me to make a BOSS ATTACK LIST.

doesn’t that sound appealing? it’s a list of things that you will attack for your boss so that when they try and make you do more work RIGHT AWAY, you show them the list and they say “oh my bad! why don’t you squeeze it in after your mandatory 2p.m. company neck massage but only if you have time?” and you say “yesssss, that suits me just fine, puddin’!!!”

The course also taught me the FIVE KILLER WORDS: “let me look into it.” this is when you assign something to your employees (i have zero, thanks for asking) and they come back and say “this is hard. i can’t doooo it” and you say…(ominous music)…”ok let me look into it.” and then you end up doing their work for them and you end up taking online courses afterhours on how to effectively schedule your time. THIS EVIL HARPY is called reverse delegation!!!

other things i learned: the PRIORITY MATRIX!!! woot woot. give it up for him. he has four quadrants to categorize tasks from low to high urgency and low to high importance.

category 1 = DO IT NOW, YOU LAZY SOW!!!
category 2 = PLAN FOR IT…SEND AN EVITE TO YOURSELF TO DO IT LATER.
category 3 = DON’T YOU DROP EVERYTHING FOR THIS GUY (TRICKY!!!)
category 4 = MINDNUMBING COMA TASKS

my favorite part of the course was this: its coverage of “blurting.”

“Blurting is speaking out anything that comes into your mind at that time without realizing that it may or may not be of interest to anyone around you. The insidious process of ‘blurting’ is one of the greatest destroyers of productivity in the United States today.”

The way to combat blurting is to write everything you want to say to everybody down in a “save up” notebook (i’m not kidding) and tell it to people at various scheduled points during the day.

lastly, you have prime time, which is your peak productivity periods for the day, and down time, your low energy zombie periods of the day. you’re supposed to schedule your demanding tasks for your prime time and your easy tasks for your down time.

but get this…

“However, if your down times are from 8 to 5, you’ve got another problem.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

plus there were all these role plays with ethnic employees making sad and frustrated and burned out “i don’t know how to manage time” faces. so i could really relate.

anyway, you’re welcome guys.


we can manage time! high-five!
courtesy of Simplenomics

now if you’ll excuse me, i have to go be inexcusably late for something. i wish i was kidding.

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