so. not. cool.
i just got ambushed in the office kitchen…BY AN APPLE PIE.
it’s not even 11 o’clock, for diabete’s sakes!
99% OF AN APPLE PIE. with one tiny slice missing. its folded crust and gooey chunky apple stuffing gently petting my eyes…
i have no choice but to see this as an all-out declaration of war.
i now can’t go a day without 2-3 kinds of desserty syrup glaze coating my entire esophageal and stomach lining. THIS MUST END NOW.
i can’t remember the last time i had something like a sandwich. i mean one that that didn’t have ice cream smothered between its crumbly chocolate layers.
listen to me! i’m sick!
blast. i’ve reverted entirely to a diet of party food morsels. i can feel my body disintegrating into lesser materials. new aches and pains! shortness of breath. but no. i can fight pie-yer with pie-yer.
punleash the steamed vegetables and gently flavored tofu! i’m taking back my palate. y’hear me, highly refined sugars and corn syrup and partially hydrogenated trans fats?! there is a place for you in my life but you wanted more than i could offer! MORE THAN I WAS PREPARED TO GIVE.
take back your toothbrush, your mix tapes, your extra warm sweatshirt…
my heart beats less cloggy without you.