parte uno: trabajo
so. i’m at work today along with a tiny ounce of the rest of the working population.
no one else in my entire department is here.
i am, however, sitting next to a dead plant, a kind present to me that was alive not but 2 weeks ago. i think that perfectly sums up the day. i can’t even keep an organic being visibly alive in my cubicle let alone any kind of spirit of free enterprise and/or puritan work ethic! yeah i said it.
courtesy of Mover’s Directory
i did try to water it with coffee. apparently, no one appreciates a good hazelnut latte anymore. ungrateful gerbera plant.
breaking news: the plant has apparently reincarnated into a persistent tiny blind fly. i wish i could love it the same. but i’ll tell you what: i can’t.
parte dos: los hombres
i am really into my estrogen right now. boys seem like an unappetizing kitschy present that goes in the back of the closet to be regifted to people who are chores, not delights on my “To Buy For” list. girls, by contrast, are the new Nintendo Wii.
seriously, until boys come out with some new features like “automatic whatever” and/or “simulation capacity anything” and/or “virtual howzit,” i’m recycling any/all catalogues received from Testosterone & Co. even if there’s a 75% ‘everything goes’ clearance sale.
now howze about it, big guy, where’s my:
stepford upgrade (better than ever),
power-steering (can be directed),
antilock braking (not emotionally frigid),
skid-controlling (can handle stress),
telescopic steering + adjustable pedalling (stable but flexible),
side airbagging (safe),
onstar system-containing (smart),
gps-navigating (doesn’t actually ever need to ask for directions),
dvd playing in the back (entertaining but not a ham),
roadside assistance (not afraid to ask for help),
with remote keyless entry (to his heart)
man of steel (keeps it toned, naw mean)?
parte tres: cosas
oh so yesterday while driving back from worcester, ma where a cheeriest non-denom commercial xmas was spent indeed, somewhere around hour 4.5 in jersey, i signed a BFF contract with my mother. who knows how it happened? i feel like brit when she got married in vegas while on a life bender. well, actually not that bad. i feel pretty good about it actually.
anyway, here was the first inside joke we shared last night as newly appointed BFFs.
i was watching a bollywood movie the other day, and it was in hindi as most bollywood movies tend to be. anyway, the english subtitles were among the worst translations i’ve ever seen for any foreign film ever.
here was the best subtitle from the film:
prostitute #1: where is sultan?
prostitute’s pimp: yes, where is sultan?
prostitute #2: oh. the sultan go back to palace. he want to be lonely.
i think, and i’m really going out on a limb here, perhaps it meant to say “he wants to be alone.”
anyway. now my mother and i have faux-fights where we just yell at each other, “excuse me! was i talking to you? please just leave me lonely!”
as can be said of most inside jokes shared by BFFs everywhere, it is definitively “omg too funny!!!”
happy day-after-holidays to you and yours!