Nice to Meet You, I’m Awkward

chapter one: fruit snacks

i like how bananas come in three sizes: small, medium and GROTESQUELY WELL-ENDOWED. guess which kind i have today. no, actually don’t. it’s terrifying. it’s neverending. the neverending story without the childlike wonder.

this looks like a plantain, but you get the idea.
courtesy of Flickr and Fancy Pance

chapter two: urban troll legends

so i was listening to the radio equivalent of BET, the urban station or whatever. and…well decide for yourself.

ACT 1 (awhile back) —
urban station DJ: today is world AIDS day! we are encouraging everyone to get tested for HIV! get tested. it’s what you should do. right, trina?
trina, co-DJ: that’s right, that’s right. everybody should get tested.
US DJ: hey d, you got tested today, right?
d: yeah, that’s right, man. i was just down at the clinic. i got tested.
US DJ: alright! see, d got tested, everyone should get tested! now, d, do you mind telling us what the results were?
d: i was negative, man.
US DJ: see that! good job, man! d got tested and he is negative! that’s great, d! good to have you with us.

(um, really?! good job?!)

ACT 2 (this morning) —

US DJ: if you’re a troll, ladies, please call in and tell us you’re a troll. don’t be ashamed. if you’re a troll, you’re a troll. we’re just trying to bring a little love in your life.

(oh really?)

i’m close to 5’1” with sassy hair, funky curves and riveting eyes…also. i’m a troll. and sometimes i wear clown costumes.
courtesy of Flickr and Thomas Hawk

chapter three: stairmaster…storynovice

here’s a funnecessary story:
i’m trying to develop a sort of BEST friendship with stairs at work. not just because the elevator can be awkward but because climbing stairs at a sort of high-ho, high-ho, off to work i go pace sometimes feels like accomplishing things before you even get to your happyadventure supercube of magical rainbow dreams.

anyway, i already failed on the non-awkwardness part yesterday. someone from my work saw me getting on the stairs. and after i had climbed one flight i heard them coming up the stairs behind me, one flight below. so not wanting to seem antisocial (because i do a good enough job of that in social settings), i turned around and said “heyyyy!” and this person said “hello. i saw you climbing the stairs so i got inspired to climb them too.” and i said “oh yeah?” kind of bashfully because for some reason i felt ashamed to be caught climbing the stairs.

it’s a stair-y world out there.
courtesy of Flickr and Chocolate and Zucchini

anyway, so then we continued like that, her one flight below and me one above, but she told me she was getting off one floor before me so i thought there would be no huge awkward finale as we would get off at the same time on adjacent floors. nope. sorry, try again. i get to my floor, and see her coming up behind me!!!!???!!!!! we’re both a bit flushed from the exertion and i’m like i thought she was supposed to already get off! (but i’m not going to tell someone where i think they get off…come on, that’s rude) but then she gets to me and i’m just sort of standing there staring at her awkwardly…”oh looks like i missed my floor! whoops!” and then we awkwardly both reached for the door handle, then i awkwardly grabbed it first, then i awkwardly pulled the door open almost hitting her, then i awkwardly gestured for her to go ahead and then we both huffed and puffed away.

i think i’m gonna run up the stairs from now on (just letting my arms dangle by my sides for maximum freak effect) and never make eye contact with anyone below me or above me. because that seems like the safest way out of this story.

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