listen. is it so hard for me to be a discriminating consumer? i throw enough money in the paper shredder as it is. why can’t i make conscious sugared espresso decisions rather than ending up with brown sludge in a glass? don’t answer that.
every coffee-type beverage i have ordered in the past few days has been BITTER.
which in turn makes me BITTER.
which in turn makes people around me BITTER.
it wasn’t cute the first time. and it’s certainly not cute the second time. and i consider anything that happens twice a repeat pattern of serial offenses if there ever was one.
anyway, my taste buds are addled beyond repair. the taste buds that recognize bitter have been on sabbatical since birth so i really can’t handle anything that doesn’t fit into the sweet, slightly sour (not even sour…tangy maybe), salty and/or savory demographics without serious mental trauma.
as a caution, i think i’m going to drywall my entire mouth with raw cane sugar dipped in honey to prevent any repeat coffee offender drops going down my gullet in pure unsweetened form rather than the diluted candy form that i love, at least for the rest of this week.
today i found myself throwing everything and anything into my coffee to make it sweet: chocolate chips, chunks of earnest brownies, puppies in birthday hats, golden raisins, random acts of kindness, kindly old people with lollipops in their pockets, unicorn sighs, myspace friend requests from real people that i know exist, tiny creatures made out of bread pudding, babies cuddling babies, the essence of kisses, balls of yarn, love songs, well-intentioned magnetic poetry, and a Flickr search of the word “sweet.”
alas, nothing worked. i am now sitting here pawing at my tongue with shaking hands and wild eyes. let me be a warning to the rest of you. never settle.