yesterday, in a fit of pre-valentine’s guzzlygoo feeling, my mother got it in her thick head (thick because she’s smart, you naysayers!) to make cookies for my dad, her employees, her hairdresser and other assorted folk. my mother has never in her life made cookies nor shown any inclination to do so.
anyway, whatever pillsbury bug bit her, the swelling had directly impacted her brain. so despite slish-slosh-milly-mog roads, she took a sharp detour on our way home (she cleanly and completely took out a granny snowwoman) into the grocery store parking lot to pick up RAW COOKIE INGREDIENTS. she was all for the mix, but i pumped her up good about how cookies from scratch, though deformed and possibly resentful for it, are the real winners at the end of the kitchen olympics.
come game time, like the titanium chef i was, i yelled the steps at my mother and she slathered away to mix the ingredients and i kept proclaiming everything “WRONG” and “this isn’t EASYBAKE” and “I SAID 1/2 a teaspoon! what is this…GIANTHUMONGOWORLD?!”
anyway, something unexpected happened in the oven. the cookies were completely flat. no shape to them at all. like prepubescent girls with vanilla chip wonderbras on them. the flattest i’ve ever seen cookies east of the great plains. and their structural integrity was just pitiful. melt in your mouth is one thing. but in your hand?! chunky pancookie batter oozing through fingertips.
hardly the special treat you expect from the middle of february. long story longer, my dad loved them but he’s pretty indiscriminating cookiewise if it’s the right flavor. my mom handselected the MVPs to take back to the outside world. so basically the whole experience was a natural disaster. 7.5 on the crocker scale. aftershocks were acutely felt (though there was nothing cute about them) the next morning when the tupperwares were uncovered for a daylight viewing.
on another acute note, someone made cookies for work today, leaving them in the kitchen, despite a more or less snow day for most. VALENTINE’s DAY SUGAR COOKIES. half shaped like hearts. and half shaped like sheep. mixed messages much? anyway, in a telling display, someone broke off the heads of most of the sheep cookies reducing, or perhaps elevating, them to clouds with legs status. i like where they were going with the idea.
HAPPY HIGH EXPECTATIONS DAY!!!