my boss told me i might get my own intern! in my most normalest dreams (which are most of them), this future intern and i will end up being best friends and go to each others’ weddings AND in an even more perfect world, eventually be godparents to each others’ childrenz and puppies. i am a hopeless romanticking time bomb.
i think i got into this state because of the crash course in disasters that is online dating. i told myself i’d sit there and let all the good ones come to me. and then i ignored my own sage advice and went and hit the search button and said “it’s the 21st century! i can do a little hunting and gathering of my own.” don’t worry. the hunting and gathering was only in the form of “YOU HAVE SENT SO AND SO A WINK!” and lo and behold, my persistence failed me as loyally as it always has.
i present to you the shaking-my-head-in-mock-horror results [commentary in stiff brackets]:
specimen 1’s email [note: there is nothing per se wrong with this email. it’s just, well, INTOLERABLE in tiny ways.] —
Date received: February 28, 2007
Subject: You are the quirky one, aren’t you? [oh wow, already feel good about this one, NAWT]
I’m glad my winks have as true an aim as they did in the old days. You did write a lot of nonsense, but maybe that’s not a bad thing … I’m willing to bet [on what, argyle sweaters?!] it was more interesting than my lengthy ordeal. [excuuuuuuse me but nonsense is my first language!]
Glad you liked those various things about me … I guess I’ll return the favor by listing your attractive attributes (read: the reasons why I wrote back [i bow in thankiness]. I like that you are “into” finding silliness and humor most all of the time … you’re right, that the down days happen all the time, and the people with the up and up attitude about ’em are the ones that make it through. Dancing and romancing the stone I can figure out … what kind of prancing do you do? [the groan-y kind]
Your profile cracks me up … what kind of unexpected ingredients, and what kind of napkin messages? I too am an amazing conversationalist with myself, and engage in that practice at all hours of the day … I also find myself enormously funny. [no shit, stop stuffing your face with humble pie!]
Your profile is all about rambling and goofing … you seem very into your own wit and ability with words [yeah well you smell like poo! this is me acting my age.]… share a little more perhaps [thank you doctor, maybe next session/lifetime]. You can IM me, if you’re brave enough, at BOOBLESQUAT [i replaced it, sorry] (I use AIM, none of that other “better” knock-off stuff).
– [Specimen One]
diagnosis — OLD MAN. unfortunately, his age being 25 THREW ME OFF. i didn’t realize his soul was 1 million light years old.
specimen 2’s email:
Yeah I’m pretty much that guy that is always finding a reason to laugh. So I do it quite often. And I do like goofyness [but not spelling]… however, I am kind of a comedy snob. You better be funny if you are going to do this. [is this a threat? should i evacuate?]
But [OH NO YOU DI’INT! this conditional suggests he LOOKED PAST my obvious faults] you’re very cute and I’d like to hear more about what you are looking for [i am looking for a hammer with which to knock myself out]. Never dated a hindu girl before! [in my last life, i was told i wouldn’t have to deal with this guy again. i was tricked! ]
– [Specimen Poo, oh sorry, Two.]
diagnosis: murder my online dating account.