Nauseum Ad Nauseum

this was written by candlelight last night…in between dry heaves…delivered to you via carrier pigeon in a biohazard suit who happens to type a blazin’ 55 wpm. you’re welcome.

There’s nothing that says welcome back like a food poisoning-viral combo. Really truly. And who are we kidding? Viruses are fun! So unpredictable. A virus is the kind of person who would show up at a baby shower in a grass skirt and coconut shell bra, shouting “Who’s ready to get lei’d?…Oh wait, I think I’m too late! Hey, I just rhymed!” Anyway, the point is I couldn’t have told you beforehand that this would be the kind of virus or bacterium (the jury’s still out to lunch, hopefully not at the same place where I ate) where I get to have dizzy spells AND diarrhea AND nausea. Talk about savings! And value!

photo courtesy of Flickr and Okaypro

And wait, ARE YOU TELLING ME the nausea is from the medication that stops the diarrhea? And if I don’t eat or drink anything, I get the cold sweats? So I have to drink something…dry heave for awhile…and then lie down and then get up to dry heave and then rinse and repeat! No, stop, I don’t believe you!

Oh and can I mention the strict diet of Gatorade, bananas and Teddy Grahams I’ve been adhering to since said bactirus (what- or whoever it is) dropped by? Bananas are not helpful for nausea. Let’s just put that out there first. The guys who came up with strawberry Gatorade are sociopaths. Lastly, the Teddy Grahams were all fused together like they were survivors from some Nabisco nuclear holocaust. The non-fused ones were missing body parts. Don’t you think the ill should be fed with food that is not also ill? That’s what started this whole blasphemous health rodeo! Some bad tabbouleh!

photo courtesy of Flickr and pht

Missing another day of work after 2 weeks of tropical ballyhoo just so I can feel literally and figuratively nauseated when I return a second time to boos rather than “welcome back, world traveler!” Ooph! And may I say OOPH. Well, back to bed. Fever dreams await! (seriously though, the fever dreams this time are pretty excellent — they pick up right where they left off every time my head hits the sweat-soaked sheets).

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