buck up folks, mama’s doin’ a lil’ survey!
1. Who was your first prom date?
my middle finger
2. Who was your first roommate?
an overstuffed, underloved, morbidly obese centaur hand puppet named tyrese
3. What was your first alcoholic drink?
a tube of Colgate paste diluted with water
4. What was your first job?
hand(ing out water to Race for the Cure volunteers who were handing out water to the actual athletes). still easily the best day of my life.
5. What was your first car?
a hybrid between a horse, a Camry and a Hummer (now that’s horsepower, baby!)
6. Who was your first grade teacher?
a giant nostril
7. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
interestingly enough, also a giant nostril
8. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with
you’re not going to believe this, a medium-sized nostril…we went to the fairgrounds *chuckle chuckle*
9. Who was your first best friend and are you still friends with them?
my first and still bestest friend is my trusty fisher price kitchen
10. Where was your first sleep over?
in the underbelly of a rubix cube
11. Who was the first person you talked to this morning?
12. Whose wedding were you in the first time?
well, the first time i got married, i guess my wedding, the second time, well, also still my wedding, the third time, i stopped counting and remembering faces.
13. What is the first thing you did this morning?
picked my nose and ear and toenail simultaneously
14. What was the first concert you ever went to?
my mom and dad yelling at each other, in concert. there might have also been a social worker there. wait, are we still talking about weddings?
15. First tattoo or piercing?
my 2nd grade teacher. that applies to both.
16. First favorite celebrity?
snuggle bear. i met him at a book signing. he was in line behind me. i accidentally stepped on his face.
17. First crush?
a snapple cap. i think he’s in jail now.
18. When was your first detention?
i have a very short attention span actually.
19. Who was the first person to break your heart?
20. Who was your first kiss?
a cloud formation named juan
21. Who was the first person you slept with?
actually, we had a hard time falling asleep so it would be unfair to name names.
22. Who was your first love?
23. Who will be the first person to re-post this?
null entity. re-postings will be done by computers, not people. robots win, AGAIN.
24. How many questions did you answer untruthfully?
ok ok his full name was juan chi chi mendoza nuble el segundo. are ya happy?!