oh goodness. gracious. mother of mercy me. i was in nyc this past weekend. what fun! what fun! what holier than thou fun! muchos shanks to rashi, nydia, alicia, and alicia’s friend whose name i fergot.
here were some highlights for children:
!!!! I FORGOT SOMETHING. i saw cynthia nixon (of Sex and the City fame, among other things) in times square within 3 hours of setting foot in the big crabapple, and i pride myself on not getting starry-eyed around celebrities. but this might have to do with the fact that i never see celebrities. anyway, i saw her with some family-looking group and some kids, immediately recognized her and then stared at her goings-onses like i was observing wildlife. smoooooooth. she is not, contrary to my previous beliefs, an alien life form.
~a tiny male child driving a tiny escalade convertible down the sidewalks of the lower east side (woe be unto any hipster who decided to get in his way) blaring crunk music (i didn’t know tiny cars had radios either…) and sipping a snow cone (drinking and driving, pshhhhhh). the back of his tiny car had a bumper sticker on it that said Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy. i didn’t question it because it’s new york city but even the cultured and sophisticated people smoking around me looked confused. then shortly after he drove by, two guardianlike adults, more into each other than the fact that they had, at one point, procreated, came strolling after. the alpha male was walking a pit bull. OK, my brain stumbled, MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE NOW (errr shrug?).
PROOF?! i thought you’d never ask!
~waiting 1.5 hours for fancy food. a beet salad with endives and goat cheese to be specific. our waiter was too charming. we couldn’t be rude to him. however we also were semi-difficult customers asking for our waiter’s opinion, sending things back, asking for things on the side, having appetites. you know those types of things. once everyone got their food, the beet salad was still not in sight. finally it came out served on an ivory platter made out of the tusk tips of the last living eleph-ant (a largish type of tusked ant) in french new guinea and the waiter said “Thees is the lasttttt beet salad served from the keetchen toniiiight!!!!” and i felt like he was expecting some kind of reaction from me so i said “OK!” and he laughed. so PHEW. but i’ll admit i was a little scared. it sounded like a threat. i ate every last beet bit on my plate except for bits that “accidentally” fell off. shhhhhhh.
~i went to a burlesque show where there was a towering gay man wearing a blue transparent nylon bunny suit + ears with a thong. he was the MC. the show itself had more nipple tassles than the brain could ever imagine. the audience consisted of one awkward birthday party of ladies who looked like they were no longer friends in real life (only after 11pm on weekend nights), two bachelorette parties, some regulars and one really intense couple. the best part was when the MC told “all the ladies in the house to raise da roof!” just kidding. that didn’t happen. but those directions would have been enthusiastically obeyed by me. actually, some models did show up and looked cranky that they weren’t the center of attention. but then, the best part of the night was when this gorgeous stick of a eastern european type model started dancing to win back the wandering eyes of her male companion, and she looked like an extra on a foosball table. if it’s hard to imagine, that’s because it’s hard to describe. the point is all her moves were counterarguments to her genetic perfection. justice was served.
~this kid who was friends with my sister in high school was randomly at the comedy show i did saturday night, and he generally broke every rule of being at a comedy show. he sat in the front row and he talked loudly to his friend during my set after recognizing me. then he came and sat next to me after i got offstage and tried to start a conversation, which i tried to politely decline. then he talked during other peoples’ sets and yelled at random intervals. he answered his cellphone during the lady who runs the room’s set and was generous enough to invite me to say hi to his friends on the other end of the line (i again declined as i am a huge antisocial harpy-shrew WITH NO MANNERS). then as soon as the show ended, perhaps sensing his cue to leave, he gave me his card and was like “call me if you wanna hang” and then he left. i really have no commentary on this other than the fact that it happened. the woman who runs the room did threaten certain acts of violence on him when he answered his phone when she was onstage so that was soothing.