Stand Up Tragedy

welcome to the weekly meeting of HA! — i.e., Heckled Anonymous

me: hi everyone. my name is aparna, and i got heckled.

rest of group: *collective grimace of sympathy* WELCOME APARNA. WE FEEL YOUR PAIN.

me: thank you. i appreciate that.

fa-silly-tator: so tell us what happened?

me: well. the MC kind of made a big deal about how i was one of only two women performing last night. so as soon as i got onstage, this guy yells “NICE SHIRT!” i hadn’t really planned on talking about my shirt but then i had to comment on it. admittedly, it did look like maternity clothing so i just said “yeah i guess i felt pregnant when i woke up this morning.”

rest of group: *nervous chuckles*

fa-silly-tator: please go on.

me: well the set was going pretty ok. i had just told a mild poop joke where the punchline made everyone go “ohhhhhhhhhhhh”…some in shocked amusement, others in amused shock, some in amused bemusement, others in bemused amusing shock. even the established heckler of the night merely whistled between his teeth. so i said “oh man! even the heckler guy is speechless!” that was my mistake.

rest of group: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

me: yeah i know. don’t get me started.

fa-silly-tator: please. continue. if you are able.

me: yeah, ok so then he shook his fist at me and yelled “something something something you b#tch!” and everyone gasped like in a climatic scene from a chick flick. so I said “really?” and he was like “something something something GROW UP!”

fa-silly-tator: wait, let me get this straight, a heckler told YOU to grow up? *single tear of ironic joy slowly slides down face*

me: yeah, and then i felt self-conscious because i have braces and look like a 14-year-old anyway, but then i realized he couldn’t see my braces from so far away, so i rebalanced my inner chi.

rest of group: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

me: yeah so he kept yelling. and so i said. “I’m sorry, what? I don’t understand. i need a translator. i don’t speak drunken douchebag.”

rest of group: *one guy hesitantly claps*

fa-silly-tator: oh my.

me: yeah so then the crowd’s bloodlust was appeased. and i could awkwardly finish my set for the three people in the front who were actually listening.

fa-silly-tator: well. listen. you made it out of there. and that’s what counts. you’re a survivor.

rest of group: *nod their heads and raise their hands in affirmation* preach it!

me: yeah but wait. actually the best part of night was after the show when this random guy comes up to me and says ‘hey i’ve never been to a comedy show before but you were one of the funniest ones up there tonight.’ it was the nicest thing anyone could have said to me at that point. and the night didn’t seem bad at all after that. so all’s well that ends well, huh?

fa-silly-tator: too much resolution. i’m melting! i’m melting! *melts*

rest of group: aghhhhhhhhhhh! we follow whatever the fa-silly-tator does. *simultaneously melt*

me: ok. *melts*

(fade to black)

photo courtesy of Flickr and Hannahs Mum

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