News So Breaking It’s Broken

THE ‘AS OF NOW’ COMPENDIUM
~since 2007, the only paper written completely in the first person~

Staff Lounge
Editor-in-Chief: me
Copyeditor: sort of
News Editor: yeah, ok
Arts Editor: sure
Business Editor: no
Opinion/Editorials: all of it
Sports Editor: i guess
Art & Design: mmhmm
Advertising: false

“it’s not news, but dang it, it tries”

MORNING BUZZ

TRIPLE GRANDE SKIM ICED MISHAP
9:25 a.m.
i poached from the starbucks coffee condiments counter this morning. i had a foreign coffee drink in my hand and, as i happened to be passing one of their outlets, i availed myself of their garnishes freely even while a businesswoman to my left gawked openly at my audacity. however, it appears karma is on top of her to-do list lately because as i happily dumped most of the contents of the cocoa powder shaker into my disappointly bitter iced mocha…i discovered, upon further investigation mostly involving my nose, that it was cinnamon. i am now tasting TANGY on default to say the least. 3 raw cane sugars later and we are breaking even on passably drinkable. all you splenda users are shuddering but artifical sweeteners, i acknowledge you not.


iced mocha glamor shot
photo courtesy of Flickr and .res

(B)OLD NEWS

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST (TASTE OF YER OWN) MEDICINE
Friday and Saturday, nighttimes

i had my first weekend of doing 4 comedy shows. they were all amazing…lots of packed crowds with the last show being the lightest crowd, and also incidentally, not my best work. however, thanks to everyfun who came out and supported girls demanding attention via mechanisms of humor. it was a time. two shows a night feels classy…vegas stageshow classy! friday night late, i got to shush some drunken jabberers. it only half-worked but hey, that’s more than i can say for most of my jokes! yuk yuk. wakka wakka. boop boop! *tap dances offstage*

THE BLACK ARTS

SPEAK OF THE DEVIL
Sunday, 5:20 p.m.
i went to an adaptation of The Tragedy of Doctor Faustus presented by the Pabst and Popcorn Hour, as part of the Capitol Fringe Festival. as soon as my friend nadia and i entered the space, some blackclad attendants asked us for ID, stamped us as “damned,” handed us each a beer, and directed us inward. the show itself was all “devil may care” antics and so on and so forths till death do us fart spoofs and shenanigans. my favorite part was the jesus jokes. i can’t share them because then i’ll be stoned. but i approve of spoofage and freeish booze is the foregone conclusion.

SUMMER FASHION – YES AND NO

YES. It’s also mandatory that I be addressed in a British accent and/or a baby/old person voice. Ideally, a combo of the two.


youze made ta coddle, innit?


why, ‘allo guvna!

photos courtesy of
Flickr and tanakawho

vs.

NO. STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.


photo courtesy of Flickr and roland


photo courtesy of
Flickr and ktylerconk


photo courtesy of
Flickr and yamakazz

SPORTS (I.E., THE MOVEMENT MOVEMENT)

in walking news, my friend nadia tripped but recovered twice yesterday while we were walking around the city. surprisingly, i remained incident free all weekend.

BUSINESS

is good. no but saturday i had to go in to work for some extra hours. it was pretty magical. catered lunch. exuberant coworkers infected with the happiness that pervades days between friday and monday. i did the charleston in the hallways. i shimmied in the xerox room. i popped and locked in the kitchen. i did a call and response with my spreadsheets. i left after a few hours for which i was thanked! thanked in person! i felt charitable and glowing when i left.


there’s actually never a bad place to jig…including mountaintops!
photo courtesy of Flickr and jhull

RESTAURANT SERVICE REVIEWED
(i won’t name the restaurant because this isn’t that kind of a review)

nadia and i had a bully of a waitress for brunch yesterday. she was nice enough really on a human level. but she would come and stand at our table inquisitively when clearly we were not ready to order in the least. and then continually, she was in our faces when we didn’t need her, but then when it came time to clear plates, suspiciously nowhere in sight. i’m used to being waited on overenthusiastically or with studied neglect. i don’t know about this hot and cold with passive-aggressive undertones type of customer service. it seems against the credo. but then again, maybe her timing was just off. luckily, even the psuedosnarkiest “of course, no problem” can’t sully a good frittata.


photo courtesy of Flickr and spcummings

THE WEATHER IS PRESENTLY…

outstanding. i was just outside for lunch and the sky was as blue as a periwinkle bedspread. furthermore, some deliciously dapper-looking gent was making slightly-accented-english business phone calls near my lunching spot. i alternated between studying him and the trees. neither reciprocated my discreet enthusiasm but the point is, it didn’t even matter!

also, if anyone saw the sky last night, that was something else, huh? don’t be jealous, bob ross!


this is an approximation. but you kinda had to be there. what if real journalists used phrases like “you kinda had to be there…”?
photo courtesy of Flickr and spincast1123

MENTAL HEALTH

THIS JUST IN: you, yes you, are the fluffiest muffin on the whole tray! and ya got extra blueberries! yeah i said it!

copy(yeah)right 2007. that’s my time, ink-orporated.

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